I've been really down lately. I would go so far as to say that my depression meds don't feel like they're working at all (despite the recently upped dosage) and I just feel depressed. I am overwhelmed and have so many things going on and the last few years have been the worst of my life (and that is saying something!) and I feel like I've gone through everything alone.
The alone thing is partially my fault, I know that. I'm a very private person, I don't like to talk about a lot of things because I don't want to dwell on them more than I already do, and I don't like to complain about the same thing to the same people because I know it gets old and sympathy, empathy, and shoulders to cry on should be saved for when they are needed... but I feel like the people in my life who should care the most are being the most blase about it all. My family has shrunk in my estimation because of it. I hate to say it, but it's true. I don't understand how they aren't worried (or at least being more proactive or inquisitive or ANYTHING), because I'm worried. Honestly, I'm really worried. My health is getting worse and worse, horrible things keep happening to me and I'm hanging on by a thread. Again. My emotional health is probably at a 2 and I need a change SO BADLY! I'm applying for jobs with no location filter, I'm going out and trying to be friendly and meet people (well, haven't met anyone yet, but I hate strangers!!! I also have some social anxiety, so this is a baby step program I'm on here.), and the fact that I'm doing this because I feel like I'm not getting what I need out of the people in my life is hard to swallow.
I don't want to sit and wallow, I want to be proactive, but I'm poor as hell, feel like shit (thank you Fibromyalgia, thank you very much for the chronic pain and nausea, it makes living life really easy), and don't really have anyone I'm comfortable to talk with about everything that hasn't already heard it twelve times. I'm even thinking about a Shirnk- except I've gone to a few before and I fucking hated it. I don't want someone to listen, I need a bouncing board. Someone who gets it and actually gives a fuck about me and not my money- which brings me to the next issue- no money to pay for this possible idea.
In an effort to make more funds, or at least to get by (random modeling and promo gigs are great but I need more money to fight Fibromyalgia and this god-damned funk!), I've started the J'Adore Store (http://jadorestore.weebly.com/). In it you can find all of the stuff my creative brain makes: canvases, paintings, crafts, my photography is for sale and I've even started making clothes. I'm also thinking about getting back into writting. I started a novel and had a children's book swimming inside my head, "finished" a novella and sent it to a publishing house, but it was one of those 'you pay we'll publish' deals and I took the money and went to Europe instead. While I was in Europe I made the happy realization that my novella needed a third and final section in my novella, which undoubtedly will take it from a 'novella' to a full on, all grown up 'novel.' So as more comes to pass about my musings and writings I'll throw them out into the universe.
I'm also thinking about selling the last remnants of the ex that I have lying around; although this is more of a 'I want everything that he ever touched out of my life' kind of way rather than I 'dammit my poor ass wants to start doing some new things to help my health and I need money to do it' kind of way. I kept the necklace he gave me because it is so beautiful but I never wear because it's from HIM. I kept our furniture because there was NO WAY IN HELL he was keeping it after he had another woman over, not to mention I took much better care of it than he would have, and I gave away my old bedroom set to move in with him. Well, after two and a half years of sleeping alone in the furniture we bought together I'm thinking I may have to sell it, which is kind of awful because I am in love with this furniture. But it's big, it's heavy, I'd have to hire movers to move it when/if I get a new place, and when we bought it that lying sack of shit told me this would last us for the next thirty five years and on our anniversary he'd buy me new furniture. I'm pretty sure it has bad juju in it somewhere because of it's unfortunate association with my past life, but I haven't been able to exercise it out so up on a site for sale it will go.
I've been feeling this overwhelming sesation for a few months now. I tried to combat it by making POSITIVITY a part of my life. Spinning situations to see the positive, talking about positive things, putting positive thoughts into the universe- but it's not enough anymore and it's getting pretty damn difficult to overcome my forboding nature of late. ARG! I want to kick myself in the ass because I know the only person who can help me is me, but I also know that a good support system in critical of healthy souls and I'm floundering.
I always think (and almost never say, because the worst battles with the devil are private and don't need to be repeated) that you can't go through hell and back without the devil sizzling off a piece of your soul. And you can't go through hell and expect to come out at all, and if you do, you aren't the same person.
I'm young, but I've been through a hell of a lot. I can honestly say that most of the time I'm the strongest person I know, but I always feel like a mightly oak that's cracking in the storm. I need to channel palm trees instead.
Wish me luck on my never ending search for peace and serenity!
