This Means I'm Strong, Right?

Today, I feel TERRIBLE. I got in a car accident last week that produced a flair that makes me want to fold over, crumple on the floor, and stay there. FOREVER. I'm weak, in a hell of a lot of pain (like, Vicodin and Soma ain't working kind of bullshit level pain so you stop taking pills because why kill your liver for no reason and just take it  like a woman), and yet here I am- at work.

I'm lucky enough to have an office job that allows me some flexibility regarding my daily start and end hours (as long as I work 40 hours a week) so if I need a little extra time in the morning I can take it. Where I can sit and do menial tasks when I don't feel up to do doing Boss Lady level work, but how long will I be able to hold this down? What about the other people with Fibromyalgia who aren't so lucky? Who are sentenced to poverty because their syndrome doesn't allow them to work a normal job and disability benefits are laughable, if you can qualify for them that is.

I know self-care is important, but with chronic illness, where do you draw the line? I have always been passionate about being able to eat and pay my bills, and to do that- you have to work. But I am also learning that pushing yourself too hard will only set you back - and I feel like this puts me between a rock and a hard place. So you find something that gives you balance and you think - god damn I am SLAYING IT, until the next flare knocks you on your ass, but the ability to keep going makes you strong, right?

I'm sure if I thought about this while feeling "well" (or my version of 'well' anyway), I would be less pessimistic. More proud of my accomplishments. Better able to express the intricacies of your relationship with responsibilities vs. self-care, but I'm thinking about this now, while I feel like utter and complete shit, and this is what I've got. Now I have to read old posts I and others have written that celebrate the challenges of living with something like Fibromyalgia, something that never goes away and will never get better and how it made them better people. How it made them realize how strong they were and how they are better people because of their struggles. Because crumpling on the floor and staying there forever isn't necessarily an option.

Car Crash + Fibromyalgia = Fibro Flare

I recently got into a minor car accident, nothing major, nothing that needed reporting, and at the time I felt fine. Well, no different than usual. But as the days went on I slowly got more and more sore, felt more and more pain, had less and less energy.

At first I didn't think anything of it, when your days are filled with pain all day every day it's hard to tell if the pain you're feeling is new, or significant. (Which is a problem in and of itself, but a topic for another day.) After almost a week of, "why am I getting worse?" and "ugh, I feel like I got hit by a car," it finally hit me- girl, you did get hit by a car! Your body got shaken up, and now you're paying for it, thanks Fibro!

It's sometimes hard to remember that with Fibro, the smallest bump or fall can trigger a flare or an 'episode' of increased symptoms, especially if you've been feeling relatively decent for a while. You sometimes forget that you're not a "normal" human and things are different for you. Some people can get in minor car accidents or fall down and not be practically bed-ridden for weeks, I however, cannot. Getting banged up/hurt, over-exerting myself, not respecting my boundaries (both physically and emotionally) will trigger a Fibro Flare.

Sometimes I literally hold myself back from doing tasks that may cause a flare, but you can't live your life holding yourself back- and sometimes things literally change lanes and hit you when you least expect it, so realistically, no matter what you do, you're between a rock and a hard place when it comes to Fibromyalgia. It's just a super fun pain roller coaster that you get to ride. Woohoo!