Encouraging a Young Woman in the Workplace Made My Day

I like to think of myself as Bruce Wayne sometimes- in the whole double life where I hold a secure office job by day and do the occasional creative gig on nights/weekends on the side that my day job pretty much knows nothing about kind of way- not in the secret crime fighter vigilante kind of way (also, my doorman's name is Alfred, and no one has seen Batman and I in the same room at the same time, so really- you never know... but I digress).

From 9am to 6pm I'm an Office Manager for a Real Estate investment company and we are currently hiring! How exciting right?! Hooray for economic growth! I mean, okay, yes- at first we started hiring people because we had to fire two people who were under-performing and we needed to replace them (wah-wah), so at first the only part of the hiring process I was apart of was the scheduling of interviews/presentations and assessment tests- not necessarily exciting, though there was some pre-screening involved so at least I had that little scrap to play with.

About a week after we started interviewing people to replace the now vacant positions, one of the Principals of the company pulled me into his office and informed me that he wanted my help in creating a job description for a new position he was creating under me to better utilize the skills of everyone in the office and he wanted me to head up the interviews- YYYYYAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSS! This was a total work validation moment- am I right?! You know that feeling when you feel all warm and fuzzy and appreciated and important and it's the best feeling ever (other than sex and chocolate) and you just flip your hair like the goddess you are and float on cloud 9 all day like, "'cuz I slay."

While I have sat in on a few interviews and asked some questions, I've never actually held my own one-on-one interview before, and I was really proud of the fact that I had made it to the next step in my career- finally I was going to be the one on the other end of the table! Move over people, Boss Lady is coming through! Woot Woot!

My main boss (my company is managed equally by 5 Principals and I report to all 5 of them) and I did the first interview together, and from then on I interviewed people first, and then if I liked them he interviewed them after me- and let me tell you, it's one of those rare times in your life when you can look at yourself actually like the fact that you've grown up and become a responsible adult. Of course eventually you have pay bills and resolve conflicts without the violence they may deserve, and then all that goes to shit and all you want to do is color in your blanket fort until your mom is done cooking your dinner, but then you remember living at home sucks so you brave the 405 and go to work anyway.

One afternoon I was interviewing a 23 year old woman who told me that she fell in love with the buying and selling of real estate while she was going through the process of buying a home with her boyfriend- and then had to back out in escrow because her boyfriend broke up with her. She also told me that she was currently a job that she was really dissatisfied with. Originally she wanted to be a lawyer, but after working in this lawyer's office, she realized that was not the career path she wanted, but was staying on there until she found her passion, which she thinks may be real estate, and another job. She told me, "It may sound cheesy, but I just want to find what makes me happy."

I looked her dead in the eye and told her, "That isn't cheesy, that is exactly what you're supposed to be doing right now. You're young, you just broke up with a serious boyfriend, and you're looking for a new job. If you take a job you don't love it will show, trust me. We (meaning the employer) won't like it because we'll see that you obviously you don't like it, so take the time to really feel out your options and chase your passions. And as a woman- you're so much better off finding yourself now, while you're young and unattached, so you can really know who you are and what you're passionate about before you attach yourself to someone or something that may not be what you end up wanting." It was such a "big sister" "women helping women" "Girls Clubs of America" "Bianca Del Rio to Adore Delano" moment, and my Grinch-sized heart grew three times it's size that day.

I owe a lot to the older (and slightly older) women in my life who have taken the time to give me advice, mentor me, listen to me, and just be around me over the years. They showed me different ways to live and work and be and I'm a better woman because of that exposure; and it made me really happy to be able to continue that cycle. It was especially heartwarming that I was able to do this for another woman in the work place (where women are still struggling with glass ceilings and misogyny- good job world), and ESPECIALLY to a young woman who was coming out of a relationship and trying to find herself. I can SSSOOOOOO identify with her, because even though I split with my ex over a year ago, I'm still working on finding and following my happiness. It's something I decided to do consciously every day, and I think it's something we all need to do throughout our entire lives to ensure we're on OUR path and not wandering around after someone else on their path or lost on what used to be our path but now is not.

We all need some validation every once in a while, and I think in that moment this young woman needed to hear that she wasn't being cheesy. That no, she hadn't watched Eat, Pray, Love too many times or read too many New Age Self-Help books and she really did need to follow her bliss. That finding what makes you happy should be a priority in your life and she was doing the right thing searching for happiness in every aspect of her life. Hopefully she left feeling as good about our conversation as I did, because that conversation was two days ago, and I'm still pleased with it- it probably made my week actually.

Spread the love people, we all need it, so hand it out generously. 

The Age of Acceptance

We all know the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Whether we've actually gone through the stages ourselves or know them strictly via hear-say, the idea is a common one in our culture today- to the point where most people can name at least a few of the stages of grief, if not all of them, if asked.

Over the last ten years, age has (unfortunately) started to show in my family and we have gone through more than our fair share of surgeries, diagnoses, treatments, chemo therapies, deaths, etc.; so the idea of the five stages of grief was more than just "something I've heard of somewhere," it was a real part of my life, and that of my family's. This was something I was both aware of and familiar with. Funnily enough, though I was able to recognize these stages when I dealt with a death in my life or when I watched people around me manage their health struggles -and was able to immediately identify the stages for what they were and respond accordingly- when it came to recognizing that I was actually going through these stages myself in my own health journey- I literally had no idea. It took me YEARS to properly identify and finally just accept that the stages of grief were something that I was working through- that I was in fact grieving for the person I used to be and working on accepting who I am now, post-diagnosis.

I first went to the doctor complaining of chronic pain when I was 14, and it wasn't until a few years ago (and I will be 30 in 11 days) that I was properly diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. Before my diagnosis it was, "well, maybe you have this/let's try this and see if it works/maybe this will help you/I don't know what's wrong with you/your tests came back fine, are you sure it's not all in your head/are you here seeking medication (bc I'm not giving you pain pills you fucking drug addict)/if nothing has worked before, what do you expect me to do for you/etc/etc./etc." and the struggle to find a doctor to listen to me, understand that I wasn't making it up, accept that there really was something medically wrong with me, and then actually try to help me figure it out (let alone feel better) left me burnt out, angry, and feeling completely disenchanted with the entire western medical community- which then led to a spiral of depression and increased introversion.

I didn't think that there was anyone who could help me, because for almost 12 years, no one could, and this made me incredibly angry. I mean, I had some hulk-level rage going on (and you won't like me when I'm angry- no really, I can be a right awful c*nt- you don't even know). Then, when anger finally got too exhausting, I started bargaining (you want to talk about what you would do for a Klondike bar? Let's chat about what I would have done for a diagnosis, escandalo!), and unfortunately depression has been by my side for most of this process (that bitch... I'm still trying to kick her ass to the curb- please wish me luck!), and now I've realized I'm starting to move slowly into the stage of acceptance, or as I'm beginning to call it, the AGE of acceptance.

There was a time when I spent a SHIT TON of time and energy trying to hide the things that I have gone through, am going through, and will probably go through eventually. I mean, I'd lie through my teeth, your teeth, my mom's teeth, your grandma's dentures- the whole nine yards, because I didn't care, I just wanted people to think I was "fine," when I was anything but. I didn't want people to think of me differently (bc lord knows they do), and I was terrified people would find out "the truth" about me- like my truth was a bad thing. I didn't want people to think of me as "used" or my condition as "contagious" or my personality as "flaky" or "always negative" or "no fun anymore" or "crazy" or  for people to say that I was "old" now or anything like that- but you know what, keeping my experiences and my feelings inside was making me worse, not better. It's taken me more than a decade but I've finally come to understand that you have to stop feeding the past to become fully open to the future. You can only give energy in so many directions, so give your energy to where you're going rather than where you've been or you'll never truly move on and grow as a person. 

That being said, I'm starting to be more open about things, or at least I'm trying to. Have I lost friends? Hell to the yes I have, but who needs sometime-friends anyway? Oh, I'm not doing what I used to do and I'm no longer useful to you? Fine. (Bye, Felecia!) Oh, it makes you uncomfortable hearing about things I've gone through or the things I'm going through? Maybe think of how it feels to LIVE IT, or think of it as an opportunity to exercise empathy and to put yourself in someone else shoes. Use it as an opportunity to be thankful that your body and your mind isn't waging a war against you. That you aren't facing eventual disability or fighting against a stigma (or at least I hope you aren't!). Please understand that I wish I could do the things I used to do (TRUST.), but I just can't anymore, and because of what I've gone through, I'm not who I used to be either- but that doesn't mean that who I was is dead. I have been reincarnated, this is the next "me" on my life's journey. I am a phoenix rising from the ashes. I am a warrior.

So here I am, trying to accept the things I cannot change and trying to adapt to my "new life." Am I lonelier than I was, absolutely. Is it hard tying to come to terms with the difference between what my mind wants to do vs. what my body is capable of, HELL YES, heartbreakingly so. Am I making lots of people uncomfortable with my new-found frankness/openness, oh yes! Especially from people who have known me for years and are used to me putting up walls (I mean, some people have been okay with it, but overall I am really freaking people out! People CAN NOT handle the truth! [Side note: if medical/health/mental conditions and stories of manipulation/abuse/sexual violence upset you so much, why don't you do something to stop it instead of pretend it's not a problem and doing nothing???? Democracy requires action to work y'all!!])

After almost 30 years I finally feel like I'm at the point where I no longer need to hide from people (most of the time, lol). This is me, this is who I am, this is what I've been through, this is what I'm struggling with- this is my life. Real talk. I don't want to hide anymore, I don't want to be fake with you, I don't want you to be fake with me- fake is a waste of time, and similarly, I no longer care to keep up pretenses with you either. I no longer have the energy. So take me baby, or leave me.

Redefining Strenth

I, like nearly 10 million other Americans, suffer from Fibromialgia. My main symptoms are chronic pain and chronic nausea (the neausea is actually a by-product of the pain as that is how my body reacts to the stress of being in constant pain), and today was not a good day.

My pain level is usually around 3/4, but the last few days the pain has been steadily increasing. Like everyone else I know with Fibromialgia my pain levels ebb and flow, and my pain usually settles in my neck, back, and in recent years, my hips. There are good days and there are not so good days. Today has been a 'not so good day,' but like everyone else who lives with Fibromialgia or chronic pain, you learn to live with it. You go on with your life despite, or in spite of, the pain. Today was just another day, but I couldn't wait to go home so I could start alternating ice and heat to try to combat my symptoms. At my last job I was more open about it and wore ice packs and heating pads often, several people even knew about my Fibromialgia, but when I took a new job last year I decided to keep that part of my life private. In part this was due to going from a loud and busy office of almost 60 people, to a much smaller, more intimate office of only 10, and the other part was due to past experiences at my old job.

The pain got worse as the day went on and as usual the nausea got worse right along with it so I wasn't able to eat much, and even though I didn't have the stomach for breakfast (this is normal but I had actually vomited this morning which is not) I was only able to eat half of the sausage, egg and cheese biscuit I got at Starbucks on my way to a fitting I had scheduled on my lunch break for an upcoming play that I will be preforming in.

I have been lucky enough to perform in several plays at this theater so my size chart has several sets of measurements on it from all of the shows that I've done over the years, so it is really easy for me to see how my body has changed over time by looking over the chart. Thankfully, my measurements hadn't changed much since my last fitting- I was worried about this because at a previous fitting a few years ago I discovered that I had lost 2 inches from my bust and hips (my waist was unchanged) due to being consistently unhealthy due to an increase in my Fibromialgia symptoms. I was devastated and embarrased over the drastic changes my body had been through in a relatively short period of time. At that time, when I looked at myself in  mirror I did not see a fit/thin young woman like everyone else (apparently) saw- I saw a sick person. When I looked at myself carefully I could see that skin was starting to sag in certain places from the rapid, unhealthy weight loss. I saw an overly-defined collarbone and inklings of my rib cage.

Like many women, I struggle with my weight and have body image issues. In this matter I tend to swim against the tide as most women seem to want to be thinner, while I, at the very least, struggle to maintain my weight, and have worked to gain weight on more than one occasion for both my doctors as well as myself. You can imagine what this has done to my mental health and stability.

During today's fitting, the costume designer Silvia, whom I know well enough now after all these shows, asked me how I manage to stay so thin, and I told her simply "chronic nausea." To which she replied, "that's terrible." Now at this point I had a choice to make in the conversation. I had chosen to be honest with Silvia about my condidtion and could have chosen to use this moment to get a little sympathy or encouragement, especially since I wasn't feeling well, but I try to be as positive as possible. I don't always succeed.

Like everything else, you have the power to change your attitude. Reacting to and facing negative situations with positivity and happiness makes you a more positive and happy person. They say you are actually rewiring your brain when you do this, and this was an opporunity to do just that, so I replied simply, "Yeah, but it could be worse," and the conversation naturally digressed onto other topics from there. We didn't talk any more about my symptoms, they didn't deserve the attention (especially not in this context).

I try to be very disiplined in regards to what I allow into my conciousness these days because I'm a very sensitive person and I know it affects my headspace- especially when it comes to music, movies and social media. Listening to upbeat music and engaging in uplifing positive stories and surrounding yourself with supportive people helps to give you the strength that you need to get through your day- especially when your day is not an easy one and you need all the help you can get. Conversely, I've found that listening to too much sad music, watching lots of dramas and depressing movies and complaining constantly will suck the strength to fight from you, and it's something I work on constantly and make pains to be aware of.

As the day went on the pain got worse, and as usual, so did the nausea. I took a Tramadol, the only pain medication they'll give me since perscription medications were reclassified last year, and as usual, it didn't work. As time went on my back muscles started to spasm. The nausea increased accordingly. At around 4:30pm, while I was sitting at my desk going through the mail, I got up to go to the bathroom because I knew I was going to throw-up again. This also, is normal. To keep things light when I talk about it I usually say I puke like a cocker spaniel, and to be honest, after all these years it doesn't even really bother me any more. I mean, I'd rather not- it sucks and it's gross, but it's the status quo: I'm usually nauseas, and sometimes I puke. That's just the way it is.

I didn't make it to the bathroom. I threw-up in my mouth in the hallway, but managed to keep it all in my mouth and not let too much of a reaction show on my face or in my body language. When I got to the bathroom I puked about 4-5 times, took a deep breath, washed out my mouth with some water, and went back to my desk with a smile on my face and carried out the rest of my shift as if nothing was wrong- just like I had all day. At 5:30pm I wished everyone a, "good night," and walked out the door to my car despite the fact that I had been a little late this morning and really should have stayed a bit longer to make up for it- but I also needed to take care of myself.

I like to think of myself as being mentally strong, and though I do have my moments, for the most part I am stronger than my pain, I am stronger than my nausea, I am stronger than Fibromialgia. I fight for myself every day, and I have learned more and more that strength needs to be refueled, that rest is necessary, and that knowing your limits is vital to survival. Focusing on positivity lately has also added to that strength. Not too long ago I would have felt a lot differently about today. Today wasn't a good day, but I got through it the best I could- frankly I think I did pretty well given how I was feeling physically. I'm not depressed or upset with my body, I'm focusing on healing it and trying to be positive about tomorrow while doing so.

Physical strength now... that's a completely different matter. For years now I've made it my practice to avoid too much physical activity despite the fact that I like to hike, dance and play sports etc., because if I over exert myself I'll most likely cause a Fibro Flare (an increase in my Fibromialgia symptoms) and I already have enough to deal with in that department thankyouverymuch. Because of this I don't have much muscle left on my already short and petite body, and often joke about my frailty and describe myself as a weakling. This is both unkind and untrue and fights against the positivity I've been focusing on by feeding the idea that I am weak- therefore I don't do physical things, and the cycle continues. It is time I recognize that cycle and use the same vigilence against the words I use to describe myself and the energy I create around myself that I use against the external stimuli and energy I surround myself with. To be fair, I've had this realization before, but I fall back into old habits time and time again.

This is somethig I have been thinking about a lot lately, something I have really been working on in the last few months. I've been telling myself my mental strength and my physical strength are the same. That I am capable of anything. That with the right shift in my attitude I can do anything. I can change my aversion to physical activities by being positive and focusing on happiness rather than worrying about causing a flare. I can acknowledge my physical limitations, be mindful and rest often, and focus on what I'm doing and that I like doing it.  I can do more than what I'm currently doing, I don't have to be scared. I can be healthier, which will make me stronger both mentally and physically, which will (hopefully) ignite a perpertual cycle of positivity, health, and happiness.

I need to focus on redefining my strength. My strength is my mind, my ability to fight for myself every day and to get up and do it again even if I don't win. I am strong. I am powerful. And it's time I recognized that.