Struggling with Fibromyalgia (While Trying to Re-Build Myself)

The last few years have been particularly difficult. I have been living with Fibromyalgia for 16 of the 30 years I have been on this earth, and the last two years have been some of the worst Fibro-years I have ever experienced.

While I am used to chronic pain, flare ups, hot and cold flashes (just to name a few), as well as the chronic nausea and IBS that is my body's natural response to the stress of the aforementioned symptoms- I am also used to feeling well enough to do fun and exciting things from time to time. Not all the time (let's not get crazy), but occasionally I'd be able to take a dance or a yoga class, or go to an amusement park or a museum and not feel like putting one foot in front of the other was a daunting chore that would leave me as nothing but an exhausted shell, YAY! Lately however, respite from my symptoms has been both evasive and fleeting, and I have far more bad days than good days. Most of the time I find it hard to do simple chores, like keeping my home clean; even simple tasks, like showering, cooking and eating- these things are a struggle for me more often than not. While I feel lucky in the fact that despite my lately exaggerated symptoms I am still able to hold down my office job, not having the energy to do anything beyond the 9-5 has been depressing- which doesn't help break the cycle I find myself in.

Perhaps this... difficult phase? has to do with the fact that I am literally re-building myself. Every major relationship I've ever been in has used my desire for a family of my own as a weapon against me and it's taken it's toll. My first "real" boyfriend was a persona non grata to my Father's side of the family, so of course I fell head-over-heals in love with him. Unfortunately, he wanted me to marry him and live on base with him (as in a military base on the other side of the country) where we would start our family and I'd have a new family and we'd live happily ever after. Unfortunately this would have effectively cut me off from my entire support system, and with him being on active duty (he was in Kuwait, Afghanistan, and Iraq for most of our time together, and this was right after 9/11 so there was a lot going on over there at the time) I would have been alone more often than not (or parenting alone depending on when we had kids). Luckily, I was able to see that this wasn't the life for me and eventually ended the relationship.

My second love also told me he wanted to marry me and that he wanted to start a family with me- unfortunately only the first part of that statement was true. After living together for more than 9 months (you know, after he declared his wishes for our future together), he came home and he was... different. Not long after coming home that night he told me that he lied to me about wanting kids. He knew how much I wanted them and had said what he needed to say to "keep me," thinking one day he would change his mind about not actually wanting children. Well, apparently he came to terms with the fact that he didn't actually want children and the guilt finally made him come clean. He told me all this in a bit of a rush- then asked me to stay with him even though he knew from the very beginning all those years ago that I wanted to be a mother. You know when people ask you in Kindergarten what you want to be when you grow up? I said I wanted to be a Mom- and he knew that, and he did what he did anyway. Needless to say, I moved out as soon as I could.

The third and last time I fell in love was a complete shit show. Apparently my need for a family of my own made me an easy target for someone who was looking for someone to mind their child (he had a son whom he saw almost every day and who stayed with with him often) and their home - and more specifically- someone that they could control. Needless to say I was completely gaslighted. Before I moved in, he was the best boyfriend I'd ever had. Not only was he the most conscientious, courteous man I'd ever met, but we were so aligned on so many things that being with him felt so easy and so right- more right than anything I'd ever known; so with minimal persuasion and much enthusiasm I agreed to move in after only a few months of dating. Of course after I moved in and made the mistake of not being the perfect woman that he wanted me to be, things got toxic, then emotionally abusive with a few violent episodes thrown in for good measure. (To be clear, he never hit me, which is why I failed to identify the abuse for what it was for so long, but he would have the occasional... outburst.... that didn't make me feel safe. These outbursts happened mostly when fights got particularly escalated and, specifically, when I refused to back down).

I don't know if anyone reading this has ever had someone take them apart and create a completely different person without their being aware of what was happening, or if anyone has ever lost themselves in a relationship, or made to feel small, or scared, or like nothing they said or did was right or good enough and what they remembered quite clearly wasn't actually correct, but that's what happened to me with him. (I honestly hope you can't relate.) I looked up one day and found myself isolated both physically and emotionally. Wedges had been driven into all my important relationships, I was constantly uneasy and ruled by anxiety. Additionally, I was often angry, irrationally so, and felt like I couldn't talk to anyone about what was happening at home. I became someone I didn't like, and there were consequences to my anxiety-filled actions which made me even more anxious, and even more unlikeable to myself. I was someone I did not recognize, someone my old self would probably scoff at, mock, and pity, but definatly not understand or respect. Why would you let someone do that to you? Don't you see what's happening? Well, the answer was no, no I didn't. I had no idea most of what has happening was actually happening. And while I had a few people ask me those questions (probably verbatim), I still didn't see what was happening, not all of it anyway. I knew it was toxic (though I had grossly understated how much so to everyone, including myself), but something in me couldn't let go. Even though I moved, I moved right back when he "convinced me he had changed." (Note to self: not taking the time to identify and process your emotions, giving more chances than you know you should, and continually de-valuing your self-worth turns you into the worst version of yourself. Try not to do that again, xoxo)

To make matters more complicated, this was not the first time I'd been manipulated, or even strongly manipulated in my lifetime. There have been more than a few people over the years who have taken advantage of my willingness to believe the best in people- that they are capable of personal growth and change, although this is the first time I was manipulated on such a grand scale. Let's take it back: after a few tumultuous childhood years that involved A LOT of people pleasing, I told myself I would never let other people tell me how to feel, and that I would not do things because other people wanted me to. Admittedly, this mantra lead to more than a few years of juvenile/adult rebelliousness and a strong jaded feeling as side-effects of some slightly zealous over-correction which gave me a bit of a hard outer shell, but it is what it is. (I'm a work in progress, okay?)

Despite my efforts, I have failed at resisting the urge to people-please time and time again over the years- obviously. Apparently there is still a big gooey center hidden in that hard outer shell that simply refuses to die. In my defense, for the most part, before HIM, I was fairly good at identifying this trait and caught on to my people-pleasing antics early on and was able to correct them before things got out of hand. I still have (it's a struggle, okay?) a proclivity to be "on" when I'm out in the world, to hide behind a mask. Now though, I'm better able to take breaks from the facade of 'the girl who is happy and confident because that is how you want her to be because dealing with a person who is struggling is too much for most people' because I know my soul craves to be itself and live its Truth- even if the world finds that kind of person too 'difficult' to deal with most of the time.

As a lot of people know, hiding is exhausting, and no one should live their lives hiding in a closet afraid for the world to know who they are, and with this most recent chapter of my life closed, I was more resolved than ever to be my most authentic self.

So, with a history of a slightly bendable personality and a newly devastated sense of self, I started my life away from HIM. Of course, he still kept in touch. I mean, what psychopath wouldn't want to keep me under his influence/power for as long possible, right? I'm sorry to say that I accepted, perhaps even encouraged the post-mortem communication for a while I because I thought the break-up was as difficult for him as it was for me... of course that was until I learned that he was dating someone- someone I knew, someone we had had dog/kid play dates with when we were together- while he was still talking to me. This particular revelation was a crucial step in my journey and ability to start seeing through his manipulative behavior and understand what his real intentions towards me were, exactly what had happened to me during that relationship, and eventually, to cut him out of my life completely.

(Tangent: It is also worth sharing that his new conquest is being treated exactly the same way he treated me. I know this for a fact because she reached out to me and we talked about it. She expressed her wish that I was more forward about his behavior while we were together, and I felt a lot of guilt about that for a long time. Would she be with him if I was open about his character and she knew the truth? I don't know if it would have changed her mind about dating him in the first place, but I do know that she is now engaged to him and I no longer feel that guilt. She is aware of what she is getting herself [and her son] into, but like me, she was looking for a family, a father for her son, and his hooks are in her TIGHT. I hope she breaks the engagement, and that next time, I am open about a person's true identity. In the meantime, I have to let that shit go, the past is the past.)

Armed once again with my independence, I started the messy process of rebuilding myself. I read tons of articles on break-ups and toxic relationships and started reading self-help and girl-power books. It was during this period that I discovered the term "gaslighting" and realized just how deep the rabbit hole really went and how lucky I was to get out.

Healing and personal growth continues, and it has been a long and arduous journey, as it always is. I'm sure what I've shared is a large contributing factor in the exacerbation of my symptoms, stress, depression and anxious thoughts don't help anyone, and it takes energy to battle your demons- and let's not forget that your demons aren't the only things you're fighting!- and all of that A LOT to manage. Or try to manage. Or pretend to "manage" when really you're really just eating junk food alone in your room, watching Netflix and pretending that the world doesn't exist (let's be real- you ain't gotta lie to kick it!).

I know eventually this rough patch will end and I'll be a better person when I come out the other side, but I am struggling. I am struggling to get through the daily grind, I am struggling to remember to look up and look at the big picture, and I'm struggling to keep my mindset focused on the positive rather than the negative. So this is me, telling my story (parts of it), as a reminder that I'm strong, I've been through some shit, and I'm still fighting (like a boss!). I'm reminding myself to pick my head up and look around every once in a while because while I have a long way to go, I've come a long way already, and that's something to be proud of, not ashamed of. I am a warrior. I fight for myself every day, and it's exhausting, and it's a struggle, but I'm STILL GOING, and that's something to celebrate, not something to hide. So here's to me - YOU GO GIRL!!

Encouraging a Young Woman in the Workplace Made My Day

I like to think of myself as Bruce Wayne sometimes- in the whole double life where I hold a secure office job by day and do the occasional creative gig on nights/weekends on the side that my day job pretty much knows nothing about kind of way- not in the secret crime fighter vigilante kind of way (also, my doorman's name is Alfred, and no one has seen Batman and I in the same room at the same time, so really- you never know... but I digress).

From 9am to 6pm I'm an Office Manager for a Real Estate investment company and we are currently hiring! How exciting right?! Hooray for economic growth! I mean, okay, yes- at first we started hiring people because we had to fire two people who were under-performing and we needed to replace them (wah-wah), so at first the only part of the hiring process I was apart of was the scheduling of interviews/presentations and assessment tests- not necessarily exciting, though there was some pre-screening involved so at least I had that little scrap to play with.

About a week after we started interviewing people to replace the now vacant positions, one of the Principals of the company pulled me into his office and informed me that he wanted my help in creating a job description for a new position he was creating under me to better utilize the skills of everyone in the office and he wanted me to head up the interviews- YYYYYAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSS! This was a total work validation moment- am I right?! You know that feeling when you feel all warm and fuzzy and appreciated and important and it's the best feeling ever (other than sex and chocolate) and you just flip your hair like the goddess you are and float on cloud 9 all day like, "'cuz I slay."

While I have sat in on a few interviews and asked some questions, I've never actually held my own one-on-one interview before, and I was really proud of the fact that I had made it to the next step in my career- finally I was going to be the one on the other end of the table! Move over people, Boss Lady is coming through! Woot Woot!

My main boss (my company is managed equally by 5 Principals and I report to all 5 of them) and I did the first interview together, and from then on I interviewed people first, and then if I liked them he interviewed them after me- and let me tell you, it's one of those rare times in your life when you can look at yourself actually like the fact that you've grown up and become a responsible adult. Of course eventually you have pay bills and resolve conflicts without the violence they may deserve, and then all that goes to shit and all you want to do is color in your blanket fort until your mom is done cooking your dinner, but then you remember living at home sucks so you brave the 405 and go to work anyway.

One afternoon I was interviewing a 23 year old woman who told me that she fell in love with the buying and selling of real estate while she was going through the process of buying a home with her boyfriend- and then had to back out in escrow because her boyfriend broke up with her. She also told me that she was currently a job that she was really dissatisfied with. Originally she wanted to be a lawyer, but after working in this lawyer's office, she realized that was not the career path she wanted, but was staying on there until she found her passion, which she thinks may be real estate, and another job. She told me, "It may sound cheesy, but I just want to find what makes me happy."

I looked her dead in the eye and told her, "That isn't cheesy, that is exactly what you're supposed to be doing right now. You're young, you just broke up with a serious boyfriend, and you're looking for a new job. If you take a job you don't love it will show, trust me. We (meaning the employer) won't like it because we'll see that you obviously you don't like it, so take the time to really feel out your options and chase your passions. And as a woman- you're so much better off finding yourself now, while you're young and unattached, so you can really know who you are and what you're passionate about before you attach yourself to someone or something that may not be what you end up wanting." It was such a "big sister" "women helping women" "Girls Clubs of America" "Bianca Del Rio to Adore Delano" moment, and my Grinch-sized heart grew three times it's size that day.

I owe a lot to the older (and slightly older) women in my life who have taken the time to give me advice, mentor me, listen to me, and just be around me over the years. They showed me different ways to live and work and be and I'm a better woman because of that exposure; and it made me really happy to be able to continue that cycle. It was especially heartwarming that I was able to do this for another woman in the work place (where women are still struggling with glass ceilings and misogyny- good job world), and ESPECIALLY to a young woman who was coming out of a relationship and trying to find herself. I can SSSOOOOOO identify with her, because even though I split with my ex over a year ago, I'm still working on finding and following my happiness. It's something I decided to do consciously every day, and I think it's something we all need to do throughout our entire lives to ensure we're on OUR path and not wandering around after someone else on their path or lost on what used to be our path but now is not.

We all need some validation every once in a while, and I think in that moment this young woman needed to hear that she wasn't being cheesy. That no, she hadn't watched Eat, Pray, Love too many times or read too many New Age Self-Help books and she really did need to follow her bliss. That finding what makes you happy should be a priority in your life and she was doing the right thing searching for happiness in every aspect of her life. Hopefully she left feeling as good about our conversation as I did, because that conversation was two days ago, and I'm still pleased with it- it probably made my week actually.

Spread the love people, we all need it, so hand it out generously.