The last few years have been particularly difficult. I have been living with Fibromyalgia for 16 of the 30 years I have been on this earth, and the last two years have been some of the worst Fibro-years I have ever experienced.
While I am used to chronic pain, flare ups, hot and cold flashes (just to name a few), as well as the chronic nausea and IBS that is my body's natural response to the stress of the aforementioned symptoms- I am also used to feeling well enough to do fun and exciting things from time to time. Not all the time (let's not get crazy), but occasionally I'd be able to take a dance or a yoga class, or go to an amusement park or a museum and not feel like putting one foot in front of the other was a daunting chore that would leave me as nothing but an exhausted shell, YAY! Lately however, respite from my symptoms has been both evasive and fleeting, and I have far more bad days than good days. Most of the time I find it hard to do simple chores, like keeping my home clean; even simple tasks, like showering, cooking and eating- these things are a struggle for me more often than not. While I feel lucky in the fact that despite my lately exaggerated symptoms I am still able to hold down my office job, not having the energy to do anything beyond the 9-5 has been depressing- which doesn't help break the cycle I find myself in.
Perhaps this... difficult phase? has to do with the fact that I am literally re-building myself. Every major relationship I've ever been in has used my desire for a family of my own as a weapon against me and it's taken it's toll. My first "real" boyfriend was a persona non grata to my Father's side of the family, so of course I fell head-over-heals in love with him. Unfortunately, he wanted me to marry him and live on base with him (as in a military base on the other side of the country) where we would start our family and I'd have a new family and we'd live happily ever after. Unfortunately this would have effectively cut me off from my entire support system, and with him being on active duty (he was in Kuwait, Afghanistan, and Iraq for most of our time together, and this was right after 9/11 so there was a lot going on over there at the time) I would have been alone more often than not (or parenting alone depending on when we had kids). Luckily, I was able to see that this wasn't the life for me and eventually ended the relationship.
My second love also told me he wanted to marry me and that he wanted to start a family with me- unfortunately only the first part of that statement was true. After living together for more than 9 months (you know, after he declared his wishes for our future together), he came home and he was... different. Not long after coming home that night he told me that he lied to me about wanting kids. He knew how much I wanted them and had said what he needed to say to "keep me," thinking one day he would change his mind about not actually wanting children. Well, apparently he came to terms with the fact that he didn't actually want children and the guilt finally made him come clean. He told me all this in a bit of a rush- then asked me to stay with him even though he knew from the very beginning all those years ago that I wanted to be a mother. You know when people ask you in Kindergarten what you want to be when you grow up? I said I wanted to be a Mom- and he knew that, and he did what he did anyway. Needless to say, I moved out as soon as I could.
The third and last time I fell in love was a complete shit show. Apparently my need for a family of my own made me an easy target for someone who was looking for someone to mind their child (he had a son whom he saw almost every day and who stayed with with him often) and their home - and more specifically- someone that they could control. Needless to say I was completely gaslighted. Before I moved in, he was the best boyfriend I'd ever had. Not only was he the most conscientious, courteous man I'd ever met, but we were so aligned on so many things that being with him felt so easy and so right- more right than anything I'd ever known; so with minimal persuasion and much enthusiasm I agreed to move in after only a few months of dating. Of course after I moved in and made the mistake of not being the perfect woman that he wanted me to be, things got toxic, then emotionally abusive with a few violent episodes thrown in for good measure. (To be clear, he never hit me, which is why I failed to identify the abuse for what it was for so long, but he would have the occasional... outburst.... that didn't make me feel safe. These outbursts happened mostly when fights got particularly escalated and, specifically, when I refused to back down).
I don't know if anyone reading this has ever had someone take them apart and create a completely different person without their being aware of what was happening, or if anyone has ever lost themselves in a relationship, or made to feel small, or scared, or like nothing they said or did was right or good enough and what they remembered quite clearly wasn't actually correct, but that's what happened to me with him. (I honestly hope you can't relate.) I looked up one day and found myself isolated both physically and emotionally. Wedges had been driven into all my important relationships, I was constantly uneasy and ruled by anxiety. Additionally, I was often angry, irrationally so, and felt like I couldn't talk to anyone about what was happening at home. I became someone I didn't like, and there were consequences to my anxiety-filled actions which made me even more anxious, and even more unlikeable to myself. I was someone I did not recognize, someone my old self would probably scoff at, mock, and pity, but definatly not understand or respect. Why would you let someone do that to you? Don't you see what's happening? Well, the answer was no, no I didn't. I had no idea most of what has happening was actually happening. And while I had a few people ask me those questions (probably verbatim), I still didn't see what was happening, not all of it anyway. I knew it was toxic (though I had grossly understated how much so to everyone, including myself), but something in me couldn't let go. Even though I moved, I moved right back when he "convinced me he had changed." (Note to self: not taking the time to identify and process your emotions, giving more chances than you know you should, and continually de-valuing your self-worth turns you into the worst version of yourself. Try not to do that again, xoxo)
To make matters more complicated, this was not the first time I'd been manipulated, or even strongly manipulated in my lifetime. There have been more than a few people over the years who have taken advantage of my willingness to believe the best in people- that they are capable of personal growth and change, although this is the first time I was manipulated on such a grand scale. Let's take it back: after a few tumultuous childhood years that involved A LOT of people pleasing, I told myself I would never let other people tell me how to feel, and that I would not do things because other people wanted me to. Admittedly, this mantra lead to more than a few years of juvenile/adult rebelliousness and a strong jaded feeling as side-effects of some slightly zealous over-correction which gave me a bit of a hard outer shell, but it is what it is. (I'm a work in progress, okay?)
Despite my efforts, I have failed at resisting the urge to people-please time and time again over the years- obviously. Apparently there is still a big gooey center hidden in that hard outer shell that simply refuses to die. In my defense, for the most part, before HIM, I was fairly good at identifying this trait and caught on to my people-pleasing antics early on and was able to correct them before things got out of hand. I still have (it's a struggle, okay?) a proclivity to be "on" when I'm out in the world, to hide behind a mask. Now though, I'm better able to take breaks from the facade of 'the girl who is happy and confident because that is how you want her to be because dealing with a person who is struggling is too much for most people' because I know my soul craves to be itself and live its Truth- even if the world finds that kind of person too 'difficult' to deal with most of the time.
As a lot of people know, hiding is exhausting, and no one should live their lives hiding in a closet afraid for the world to know who they are, and with this most recent chapter of my life closed, I was more resolved than ever to be my most authentic self.
So, with a history of a slightly bendable personality and a newly devastated sense of self, I started my life away from HIM. Of course, he still kept in touch. I mean, what psychopath wouldn't want to keep me under his influence/power for as long possible, right? I'm sorry to say that I accepted, perhaps even encouraged the post-mortem communication for a while I because I thought the break-up was as difficult for him as it was for me... of course that was until I learned that he was dating someone- someone I knew, someone we had had dog/kid play dates with when we were together- while he was still talking to me. This particular revelation was a crucial step in my journey and ability to start seeing through his manipulative behavior and understand what his real intentions towards me were, exactly what had happened to me during that relationship, and eventually, to cut him out of my life completely.
(Tangent: It is also worth sharing that his new conquest is being treated exactly the same way he treated me. I know this for a fact because she reached out to me and we talked about it. She expressed her wish that I was more forward about his behavior while we were together, and I felt a lot of guilt about that for a long time. Would she be with him if I was open about his character and she knew the truth? I don't know if it would have changed her mind about dating him in the first place, but I do know that she is now engaged to him and I no longer feel that guilt. She is aware of what she is getting herself [and her son] into, but like me, she was looking for a family, a father for her son, and his hooks are in her TIGHT. I hope she breaks the engagement, and that next time, I am open about a person's true identity. In the meantime, I have to let that shit go, the past is the past.)
Armed once again with my independence, I started the messy process of rebuilding myself. I read tons of articles on break-ups and toxic relationships and started reading self-help and girl-power books. It was during this period that I discovered the term "gaslighting" and realized just how deep the rabbit hole really went and how lucky I was to get out.
Healing and personal growth continues, and it has been a long and arduous journey, as it always is. I'm sure what I've shared is a large contributing factor in the exacerbation of my symptoms, stress, depression and anxious thoughts don't help anyone, and it takes energy to battle your demons- and let's not forget that your demons aren't the only things you're fighting!- and all of that A LOT to manage. Or try to manage. Or pretend to "manage" when really you're really just eating junk food alone in your room, watching Netflix and pretending that the world doesn't exist (let's be real- you ain't gotta lie to kick it!).
I know eventually this rough patch will end and I'll be a better person when I come out the other side, but I am struggling. I am struggling to get through the daily grind, I am struggling to remember to look up and look at the big picture, and I'm struggling to keep my mindset focused on the positive rather than the negative. So this is me, telling my story (parts of it), as a reminder that I'm strong, I've been through some shit, and I'm still fighting (like a boss!). I'm reminding myself to pick my head up and look around every once in a while because while I have a long way to go, I've come a long way already, and that's something to be proud of, not ashamed of. I am a warrior. I fight for myself every day, and it's exhausting, and it's a struggle, but I'm STILL GOING, and that's something to celebrate, not something to hide. So here's to me - YOU GO GIRL!!
