After eight years of hearing doctors say, "I have no idea what is wrong with you" they have finally stumbled upon the answer; and frankly, despite knowing I will quite literally be suffering for the rest of my life, I'm relieved.
No more frustration over not knowing, no more, how, why, when, will I evers. I have an answer. I can seek the answers, gain the knowledge, be as well as I can be. I am no longer a slave to the unknown, and while I am still a slave to the condition, I have been given a crucial tool for a slave's survival- KNOWLEDGE.
You can't battle your demons in the dark- trust me, I've been trying for eight years. It feels like someone has turned on a light-switch. I keep saying the word over and over again in my head, rolling the feel of it around in my brain, in my mouth, and over my tongue.
It feels like it's always been there. And while in a sense, it has, the word is new, and yet it is so at home in my life- not even 24 hours later.
No more do I have to ask, "why" and hear: "I don't know." Now I can ask, "how" and be presented with options.
Today I am choosing to be blindingly optimistic about something that could be dismal, because, to me, just being given a diagnosis was a god-send.
Closure doesn't signify the end of something. It allows you to close a door knowing it should and can be closed. It gives you hope. Life is about renewal. Life and Death, beginnings and endings. Closure allows you to hope for something new and different. Closure brings hope for a future rather than the pain of the present and the haunting sadness and regret of the past.
Closure is a gift for which I am thankful.
No comments:
Post a Comment