It's like a punch in the stomach- EVERY TIME

I left my ex last year because he lied to me about wanting kids and I have "empty womb" syndrome and have always wanted to be a Mom. When they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up in Kindergarten I told them, "A Mom." I always thought I'd grow up, get married and have kids. However there have been a few curves in that road... more in the last year than ever.

My family is not that healthy. Attractive and smart, but between both sides we have every illness in the book. No really. EVERY ONE.

Every time my doctor tells me something else is wrong with me or I find out someone in my family has been diagnosed with something else or needs another surgery it's like a punch in the stomach. I personally don't feel well most of the time- I spend about 80% of my day in pain and/or nauseous- I don't want that for my kids. I don't want them to get cancer or need surgery or to see doctors and specialists every month (as most of my family does); it doesn't seem fair to me to bring someone into the world when you know they aren't going to live a healthy life. It doesn't seem responsible. I don't want this life for me or for my family- including future members.

That leaves me with two things to think about:

1) Adoption. Will that be enough for me? If we are ill will we even have the resources and/or life span to care for an addition to the family? I'd love to think that of course it will be enough for me I'll love them the same, but what if I still have aching womb syndrome after adopting? What if something happens to me and I can't provide for the child? Not only did I go out of my way to raise a child but I intentionally brought them into a household where their caregiver(s) aren't healthy- will this impact their upbringing? Is it fair to bring someone into that? (Yes I'm being dramatic but I'm young and these things only get worse with age so you have to look at the whole picture.)

And then there is my personal favorite, question 2) Did I make the right choice leaving my ex now that I know kids aren't necessarily the best thing for me or even in the cards? We had our problems (ie: he had no ambition, etc.) but without the added pressure and expectations of marriage and a family would things have been different?

It just hurts. To go through the pain and indecision over and over and over again. It's exhausting, and painful, and I fucking hate crying so can these things just stop coming up already? It's bad enough dealing with an ill family but having to throw these questions on top of it is a bit much don't you think?

So I just keep telling myself that I'm better off, I DID make the right choice, and that someday health insurance will get better. (Because all these bills SUCK!)

If anyone has any insight into the future give me a call- I could use some serious insight.

Shoe Fetish Challenge: Days 35-44

Day 35, Saturday, crazy summer straps (2" heel)

My Mom actually gave me these shoes in one of her attempts to "bond" with me. Of course this involves giving me an old pair of her shoes and then going on being a horrible mother, but I digress. They are a little to the left of my usual style, they are a little to long in the front, and I usually like a little higher of a heel, but hey, I'm a shoe whore and I'll try out most shoes. I think these shoes are okay, but I don't really see myself wearing them very often.

Day 36, Sunday, barefoot hippy strikes again (no shoes)

Lazy Sundays are my favorite, I usually lounge around, clean house, lay out, and generally do a whole lot of nothing- gotta love that.

Day 37, Monday, hot boots, holla! (3 1/2" heel)

These are probably my favorite pair of boots. I've danced in them, broke a few hearts in them, busted some moves, and downed some drinks. they are super comfortable, and stop a little above mid-calf, so they allow me to rock patterned socks- and can I just tell you how much I love rockin' ridiculous socks? NO ONE rocks socks- which is why I like to :)

Day 38, Tuesday, Harley Davidson boots, pair deux (2 1/4" heel)

These are the more comfortable of the two pairs (there were three, but they were given away when I bought my third pair- they were just like these but without the flair), however I like the height and the flames on the other pair so I tend to wear them more often, but I love these boots, love love love.

Day 39, Wednesday, dollhouse Fleur de lis flats

:: Sings:: I got it at Ross! And I did too! I totally got these babies at Ross, and I've had them for a few years now. One of the Fleur de lis emblems did break free on one side, but a little Monkey Glue fixed that right up! And while they make my feet sweat a little (patent leather, what can you do), they are so adorable I don't care. Plus you can slip your heel out when you're sitting or standing so you can air your feet out quickly and easily so it isn't much of an issue.

Day 40, Thursday, the most beautiful shoes in Christendom (3" heels)

I found these shoes when I went to Italy when I was 18. We were shopping in Rome and I found these shoes in three colors: pink, green, and blue, and I thought for a good ten minutes about which color I wanted (they were too expensive to buy all three- FUUUCCCKKK) and tried on pair after pair until I figured out what shoe size ACTUALLY fit me (I think these are a 34- for those of you who are around a size 7, when in Europe start with a 34 and go up from there until you find a compatible size) and then I ran my ass up to the cash register and bought them faster than you can say, "HOT DAMN!"

These shoes are glorious. Stunning stitching, sequins, amazing spring colors- they are so fabulous I can't even take it!

These are actually the shoes that made me get over my aversion to toe-cleavage. I used to not like toe cleavage, I thought it deterred from the classiness of the shoe, but these shoes leave toe-cleavage, and I couldn't resist them, and from that day forward I no longer had an issue with toe-cleavage.

Day 41, Friday, 50's pumps (3" heel)

These shoes are too cute! Like my leopard pumps, they are specifically built with the natural curve of your foot so they are really comfortable. The only issue I had with these shoes was technically just an all around crazy story that never should have happened but of course did. Before I went to the HR Tech conference last year I was going to cut my toe nails and give myself a pedi- instead I packed closed-toed shoes. I wore them walking all around the conference (like, 3 miles of walking, for those of you who have been to a conference you get it), then I was invited last minute to diner with a potential client- leaving me with no time to change outfit or shoes. Then we started drinking. Then we started dancing. Then we started drunkenly exploring the hotel.

My toenails were SOOOO fucked up after that! One actually fell off, but with too long nails and 12 hours of working my shit something bad was bound to happen. What can you do ::shrug::

Day 42, Saturday, Photo shoot! Red pumps (5 1/2" heel)!

I've actually worn these shoes for two photo shoots now- those platform high heels make my midget legs look much longer than they are- hooray! Hahahahaha!

I bought these shoes two or three years ago in December on my friend Ginger Fatal's birthday. The boys let us walk from dinner to Lucky Strike Lanes by ourselves while they got things out of the car, and we walked right into a shoe store, where all three of us bought new kicks and put them on right then and there (Ginger and I even switched tops so we could wear our shoes with something that matched- handy that). We then walked into our next destination wearing new wonderful shoes, then we put on bowling shoes. Hahahaha, we're silly :)

Day 43, Sunday: Pewter Flats

You can't wear these shoes too long or they'll tear up the back of your heels, they are NOT walking shoes, but they are cute slip ons for non-walking activities.

Purchased at Macy's, shocker.

Day 44, Monday: Dance Shoes (4" heel)

we've got a lot of dance rehearsals coming up which means LOTS of time spent in these shoes- watch out world, The Dirty Little Secrets Rock Burlesque Troupe is coming to town! xoxo

And yes, I do bust my burlesque moves in a 4" heel, fuckin' RIGHT!

Shoe Fetish Challenge: Days 24-34

Once again I have come across the problem of wearing cute shoes OUT rather than staying in and blogging about it, oh well! Here is what I've been steppin' out in lately:

Tuesday, day 24: Pumas (flats)

These are my least favorite pair of shoes. First of all, they aren't really my style and secondly, they are too white. I fucking HATE white shoes! (Yes, my vendetta against the color white continues, I have actually stopped dating guys because they wore white shoes- I couldn't be bothered to look at their hideous shoes. Sorry.) Plus, I'm not really a "Puma" sort of girl. As previously discussed, I'm a Converse kind of a girl. I'm from the OC, not LA. But these were on sale at Ross a few years back so I use them as my exercise shoes because they are far cuter than exercise shoes- aka the most hideous shoes made today (soooo ugly). I did take these shoes to NYC, and they held up pretty well and don't look bad in my pictures (WHEW!). They're good shoes, just not really my style.

Wednesday, day 25: Grey Pumps (3" heel)

These shoes were actually inherited by Rayanne, my Marketing Director. They're just a little big so I need to go get those heel pad things, but overall, excellent inheritence! And they are my only pair of grey shoes! Plus, they aren't just grey, they are cloth- kind of like wool, which is cool!

Thanks Ray!

Thursday, day 26: Hot Pink Stilletos (3 1/4" heel)

Hello Ken, my name is Barbie. Don't I look fabulous?

Yup, that's what I thought you said.

(Damn these shoes are SO FUN! I LOVE THESE SHOES!!!)

Friday, day 27: leopard print Mary Janes (oh yeah baby)

(Ignore my brat of a cat in the corner of this picture. She loves shoes just like her mama and she insists on rubbing all over them)

I like my shoes with a bit of sass, what can I say? I'm a sassy kind of girl ;)

Saturday, day 28: Photo Shoot- lots of shoes were worn, and not all of them were mine (yup, I'm permiscuous)

The shoes in this pic are Caitlins, they are like 6" and I totally ate it wearing them! I went to go talk to the photographer and the heel got stuck in one of the cracks in the ground and I went DOWN! But I jumped right back up like a trooper so it's all good! ahahahaha

Sunday, day 29: Slippers that are technically shoes

I was tired and sore from the photo shoot and did not want to leave the house, but had to do some housework, so I decided to wear house shoes. Oh yeah. I've had these since high school and they're still in good shape! Target purchase win! (Well, aren't all purchases from Target a win? Let's be real.)

Monday, day 30: Vintage flats

Got these from a GoodWill, they pinch a little bit when I wear them for a long time, but they are cute so I don't really care that much.

Tuesday, day 31: Sick face- no shoes were worn

I didn't even wear socks! Hahahaha!

Wednesday, day 32: Awful shoes that didn't last the day (3 1/2" heel)

I actually bought these shoes with all the other Bridesmaids for my girlfriend Laura's wedding a few years ago- and they are fine for the first ten minutes, then you realize these shoes were made by a man who has no idea where you need to place your weight in heels in order to balance yourself properly. Whoever made these shoes is an idiot! I always think, "Oh, they aren't that bad." When I've tried to give them a second chance, well, they still suck and I'm donating them tonight! DONE-ZO!!!

Thursday, day 33: Michael Kors- every woman's dream (5" heel) <3

I have the best boss E-VER! He's from England and last Thanksgiving he decided to show thanks, and he knows how much I love shoes, so he tricked me into going to the Macy's shoe section (one of my favorite places as I'm sure you've noticed) by saying he was picking out shoes for his wife and he wanted my opinion as a woman and shoe expert. Then he told me he was buying me a pair of shoes to show his thanks for helping him at work and when he first got here to be accustomed to America.

Isn't that cute?! Everyone takes Thanksgiving for granted and I thought it was the sweetest gesture showing the true meaning of the day. It was awesome.

Plus I'm in LOVE with Michael Kors and have only not fallen in love with like, two things that he's made. I LOVE HIM. Bags, shoes, clothes, scents, the man has TASTE!!! Yummy!!

Today, day 34: Rainbows repeat

I either had one to many beers last night or I just woke up tired, because I could not be bothered to wear actual pants (yeah leggings!), a bra, or shoes today. And yes, I did go to work like this. My job is awesome. I may go out in a pair of shoes tonight now that I have caffeine in my system.