It's like a punch in the stomach- EVERY TIME

I left my ex last year because he lied to me about wanting kids and I have "empty womb" syndrome and have always wanted to be a Mom. When they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up in Kindergarten I told them, "A Mom." I always thought I'd grow up, get married and have kids. However there have been a few curves in that road... more in the last year than ever.

My family is not that healthy. Attractive and smart, but between both sides we have every illness in the book. No really. EVERY ONE.

Every time my doctor tells me something else is wrong with me or I find out someone in my family has been diagnosed with something else or needs another surgery it's like a punch in the stomach. I personally don't feel well most of the time- I spend about 80% of my day in pain and/or nauseous- I don't want that for my kids. I don't want them to get cancer or need surgery or to see doctors and specialists every month (as most of my family does); it doesn't seem fair to me to bring someone into the world when you know they aren't going to live a healthy life. It doesn't seem responsible. I don't want this life for me or for my family- including future members.

That leaves me with two things to think about:

1) Adoption. Will that be enough for me? If we are ill will we even have the resources and/or life span to care for an addition to the family? I'd love to think that of course it will be enough for me I'll love them the same, but what if I still have aching womb syndrome after adopting? What if something happens to me and I can't provide for the child? Not only did I go out of my way to raise a child but I intentionally brought them into a household where their caregiver(s) aren't healthy- will this impact their upbringing? Is it fair to bring someone into that? (Yes I'm being dramatic but I'm young and these things only get worse with age so you have to look at the whole picture.)

And then there is my personal favorite, question 2) Did I make the right choice leaving my ex now that I know kids aren't necessarily the best thing for me or even in the cards? We had our problems (ie: he had no ambition, etc.) but without the added pressure and expectations of marriage and a family would things have been different?

It just hurts. To go through the pain and indecision over and over and over again. It's exhausting, and painful, and I fucking hate crying so can these things just stop coming up already? It's bad enough dealing with an ill family but having to throw these questions on top of it is a bit much don't you think?

So I just keep telling myself that I'm better off, I DID make the right choice, and that someday health insurance will get better. (Because all these bills SUCK!)

If anyone has any insight into the future give me a call- I could use some serious insight.