Sometimes I get really introverted

I'm really glad I stopped when I did. Well... I didn't stop everything, I kept partying until I physically couldn't anymore (and that picks up when I can- not gonna lie), but I did stop hanging around people who should have been in prison, stopped thinking misdemeanors was a first date, and generally stayed out of the black areas of society. I knew if I kept doing what I was doing I'd either get pinched or killed. Plus, it's scary when you realize you're mind is criminally programmed. Everything is just so easy, comes so naturally, nothing seems to be "wrong"- and because of my looks I pretty much get away with just about everything. ("It's so easy, easy, when everybody's tryin' to please me baby.") Now I just dance in the grey... I like that a lot better. I'm not the kind of girl who can live life by anyone else's rules, I have to make my own. My life is my life, it's not what you want or expect it to be.

Sometimes I think I read Rock Star bios to remind myself of two things:

1) Why I shouldn't do hard drugs. I'm a firm believer in, "If it grows out of the ground it's probably okay" but the rest of that shit terrifies me, and I think I keep feeding myself healthy doses of fear to keep myself in check. (I learned a new little nugget last night reading The Heroin Diaries by Nikki Sixx- cocaine causes psychosis. Note to self: never do coke! Jesus!)

2) Even if I do go past the brink I can come back. If they can survive worse circles of hell than I ever imagined then I should be fine. Or, if not fine, I know can come back, because they did.

Life is all about balance. Ying and Yang. Life and Death. Chaos and order. I will say that if you have never trashed public property (or done some equally gratifying illegal maneuver) you haven't lived (the RUSH!!!). But you also haven't lived until you've loved someone. Party while you can; drink, do drugs, fuck strangers, live in sin- live your life how you want to live it, but if you can't do all that while still maintaining loving relationships with your friends and family or holding a job you're out of control because you aren't keeping that balance within yourself. Once that balance starts to tip you start to loose control. And it doesn't even have to be towards the dark, if you get too into religion to the point where you loose tolerance then you need to check yourself. If you don't do anything except drugs then you need to check yourself. You can teeter-totter between black and white, most do, but staying in one area too long is no good.

I could go on forever, I'll stop blathering on now.