The Age of Acceptance

We all know the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Whether we've actually gone through the stages ourselves or know them strictly via hear-say, the idea is a common one in our culture today- to the point where most people can name at least a few of the stages of grief, if not all of them, if asked.

Over the last ten years, age has (unfortunately) started to show in my family and we have gone through more than our fair share of surgeries, diagnoses, treatments, chemo therapies, deaths, etc.; so the idea of the five stages of grief was more than just "something I've heard of somewhere," it was a real part of my life, and that of my family's. This was something I was both aware of and familiar with. Funnily enough, though I was able to recognize these stages when I dealt with a death in my life or when I watched people around me manage their health struggles -and was able to immediately identify the stages for what they were and respond accordingly- when it came to recognizing that I was actually going through these stages myself in my own health journey- I literally had no idea. It took me YEARS to properly identify and finally just accept that the stages of grief were something that I was working through- that I was in fact grieving for the person I used to be and working on accepting who I am now, post-diagnosis.

I first went to the doctor complaining of chronic pain when I was 14, and it wasn't until a few years ago (and I will be 30 in 11 days) that I was properly diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. Before my diagnosis it was, "well, maybe you have this/let's try this and see if it works/maybe this will help you/I don't know what's wrong with you/your tests came back fine, are you sure it's not all in your head/are you here seeking medication (bc I'm not giving you pain pills you fucking drug addict)/if nothing has worked before, what do you expect me to do for you/etc/etc./etc." and the struggle to find a doctor to listen to me, understand that I wasn't making it up, accept that there really was something medically wrong with me, and then actually try to help me figure it out (let alone feel better) left me burnt out, angry, and feeling completely disenchanted with the entire western medical community- which then led to a spiral of depression and increased introversion.

I didn't think that there was anyone who could help me, because for almost 12 years, no one could, and this made me incredibly angry. I mean, I had some hulk-level rage going on (and you won't like me when I'm angry- no really, I can be a right awful c*nt- you don't even know). Then, when anger finally got too exhausting, I started bargaining (you want to talk about what you would do for a Klondike bar? Let's chat about what I would have done for a diagnosis, escandalo!), and unfortunately depression has been by my side for most of this process (that bitch... I'm still trying to kick her ass to the curb- please wish me luck!), and now I've realized I'm starting to move slowly into the stage of acceptance, or as I'm beginning to call it, the AGE of acceptance.

There was a time when I spent a SHIT TON of time and energy trying to hide the things that I have gone through, am going through, and will probably go through eventually. I mean, I'd lie through my teeth, your teeth, my mom's teeth, your grandma's dentures- the whole nine yards, because I didn't care, I just wanted people to think I was "fine," when I was anything but. I didn't want people to think of me differently (bc lord knows they do), and I was terrified people would find out "the truth" about me- like my truth was a bad thing. I didn't want people to think of me as "used" or my condition as "contagious" or my personality as "flaky" or "always negative" or "no fun anymore" or "crazy" or  for people to say that I was "old" now or anything like that- but you know what, keeping my experiences and my feelings inside was making me worse, not better. It's taken me more than a decade but I've finally come to understand that you have to stop feeding the past to become fully open to the future. You can only give energy in so many directions, so give your energy to where you're going rather than where you've been or you'll never truly move on and grow as a person. 

That being said, I'm starting to be more open about things, or at least I'm trying to. Have I lost friends? Hell to the yes I have, but who needs sometime-friends anyway? Oh, I'm not doing what I used to do and I'm no longer useful to you? Fine. (Bye, Felecia!) Oh, it makes you uncomfortable hearing about things I've gone through or the things I'm going through? Maybe think of how it feels to LIVE IT, or think of it as an opportunity to exercise empathy and to put yourself in someone else shoes. Use it as an opportunity to be thankful that your body and your mind isn't waging a war against you. That you aren't facing eventual disability or fighting against a stigma (or at least I hope you aren't!). Please understand that I wish I could do the things I used to do (TRUST.), but I just can't anymore, and because of what I've gone through, I'm not who I used to be either- but that doesn't mean that who I was is dead. I have been reincarnated, this is the next "me" on my life's journey. I am a phoenix rising from the ashes. I am a warrior.

So here I am, trying to accept the things I cannot change and trying to adapt to my "new life." Am I lonelier than I was, absolutely. Is it hard tying to come to terms with the difference between what my mind wants to do vs. what my body is capable of, HELL YES, heartbreakingly so. Am I making lots of people uncomfortable with my new-found frankness/openness, oh yes! Especially from people who have known me for years and are used to me putting up walls (I mean, some people have been okay with it, but overall I am really freaking people out! People CAN NOT handle the truth! [Side note: if medical/health/mental conditions and stories of manipulation/abuse/sexual violence upset you so much, why don't you do something to stop it instead of pretend it's not a problem and doing nothing???? Democracy requires action to work y'all!!])

After almost 30 years I finally feel like I'm at the point where I no longer need to hide from people (most of the time, lol). This is me, this is who I am, this is what I've been through, this is what I'm struggling with- this is my life. Real talk. I don't want to hide anymore, I don't want to be fake with you, I don't want you to be fake with me- fake is a waste of time, and similarly, I no longer care to keep up pretenses with you either. I no longer have the energy. So take me baby, or leave me.

Redefining Strenth

I, like nearly 10 million other Americans, suffer from Fibromialgia. My main symptoms are chronic pain and chronic nausea (the neausea is actually a by-product of the pain as that is how my body reacts to the stress of being in constant pain), and today was not a good day.

My pain level is usually around 3/4, but the last few days the pain has been steadily increasing. Like everyone else I know with Fibromialgia my pain levels ebb and flow, and my pain usually settles in my neck, back, and in recent years, my hips. There are good days and there are not so good days. Today has been a 'not so good day,' but like everyone else who lives with Fibromialgia or chronic pain, you learn to live with it. You go on with your life despite, or in spite of, the pain. Today was just another day, but I couldn't wait to go home so I could start alternating ice and heat to try to combat my symptoms. At my last job I was more open about it and wore ice packs and heating pads often, several people even knew about my Fibromialgia, but when I took a new job last year I decided to keep that part of my life private. In part this was due to going from a loud and busy office of almost 60 people, to a much smaller, more intimate office of only 10, and the other part was due to past experiences at my old job.

The pain got worse as the day went on and as usual the nausea got worse right along with it so I wasn't able to eat much, and even though I didn't have the stomach for breakfast (this is normal but I had actually vomited this morning which is not) I was only able to eat half of the sausage, egg and cheese biscuit I got at Starbucks on my way to a fitting I had scheduled on my lunch break for an upcoming play that I will be preforming in.

I have been lucky enough to perform in several plays at this theater so my size chart has several sets of measurements on it from all of the shows that I've done over the years, so it is really easy for me to see how my body has changed over time by looking over the chart. Thankfully, my measurements hadn't changed much since my last fitting- I was worried about this because at a previous fitting a few years ago I discovered that I had lost 2 inches from my bust and hips (my waist was unchanged) due to being consistently unhealthy due to an increase in my Fibromialgia symptoms. I was devastated and embarrased over the drastic changes my body had been through in a relatively short period of time. At that time, when I looked at myself in  mirror I did not see a fit/thin young woman like everyone else (apparently) saw- I saw a sick person. When I looked at myself carefully I could see that skin was starting to sag in certain places from the rapid, unhealthy weight loss. I saw an overly-defined collarbone and inklings of my rib cage.

Like many women, I struggle with my weight and have body image issues. In this matter I tend to swim against the tide as most women seem to want to be thinner, while I, at the very least, struggle to maintain my weight, and have worked to gain weight on more than one occasion for both my doctors as well as myself. You can imagine what this has done to my mental health and stability.

During today's fitting, the costume designer Silvia, whom I know well enough now after all these shows, asked me how I manage to stay so thin, and I told her simply "chronic nausea." To which she replied, "that's terrible." Now at this point I had a choice to make in the conversation. I had chosen to be honest with Silvia about my condidtion and could have chosen to use this moment to get a little sympathy or encouragement, especially since I wasn't feeling well, but I try to be as positive as possible. I don't always succeed.

Like everything else, you have the power to change your attitude. Reacting to and facing negative situations with positivity and happiness makes you a more positive and happy person. They say you are actually rewiring your brain when you do this, and this was an opporunity to do just that, so I replied simply, "Yeah, but it could be worse," and the conversation naturally digressed onto other topics from there. We didn't talk any more about my symptoms, they didn't deserve the attention (especially not in this context).

I try to be very disiplined in regards to what I allow into my conciousness these days because I'm a very sensitive person and I know it affects my headspace- especially when it comes to music, movies and social media. Listening to upbeat music and engaging in uplifing positive stories and surrounding yourself with supportive people helps to give you the strength that you need to get through your day- especially when your day is not an easy one and you need all the help you can get. Conversely, I've found that listening to too much sad music, watching lots of dramas and depressing movies and complaining constantly will suck the strength to fight from you, and it's something I work on constantly and make pains to be aware of.

As the day went on the pain got worse, and as usual, so did the nausea. I took a Tramadol, the only pain medication they'll give me since perscription medications were reclassified last year, and as usual, it didn't work. As time went on my back muscles started to spasm. The nausea increased accordingly. At around 4:30pm, while I was sitting at my desk going through the mail, I got up to go to the bathroom because I knew I was going to throw-up again. This also, is normal. To keep things light when I talk about it I usually say I puke like a cocker spaniel, and to be honest, after all these years it doesn't even really bother me any more. I mean, I'd rather not- it sucks and it's gross, but it's the status quo: I'm usually nauseas, and sometimes I puke. That's just the way it is.

I didn't make it to the bathroom. I threw-up in my mouth in the hallway, but managed to keep it all in my mouth and not let too much of a reaction show on my face or in my body language. When I got to the bathroom I puked about 4-5 times, took a deep breath, washed out my mouth with some water, and went back to my desk with a smile on my face and carried out the rest of my shift as if nothing was wrong- just like I had all day. At 5:30pm I wished everyone a, "good night," and walked out the door to my car despite the fact that I had been a little late this morning and really should have stayed a bit longer to make up for it- but I also needed to take care of myself.

I like to think of myself as being mentally strong, and though I do have my moments, for the most part I am stronger than my pain, I am stronger than my nausea, I am stronger than Fibromialgia. I fight for myself every day, and I have learned more and more that strength needs to be refueled, that rest is necessary, and that knowing your limits is vital to survival. Focusing on positivity lately has also added to that strength. Not too long ago I would have felt a lot differently about today. Today wasn't a good day, but I got through it the best I could- frankly I think I did pretty well given how I was feeling physically. I'm not depressed or upset with my body, I'm focusing on healing it and trying to be positive about tomorrow while doing so.

Physical strength now... that's a completely different matter. For years now I've made it my practice to avoid too much physical activity despite the fact that I like to hike, dance and play sports etc., because if I over exert myself I'll most likely cause a Fibro Flare (an increase in my Fibromialgia symptoms) and I already have enough to deal with in that department thankyouverymuch. Because of this I don't have much muscle left on my already short and petite body, and often joke about my frailty and describe myself as a weakling. This is both unkind and untrue and fights against the positivity I've been focusing on by feeding the idea that I am weak- therefore I don't do physical things, and the cycle continues. It is time I recognize that cycle and use the same vigilence against the words I use to describe myself and the energy I create around myself that I use against the external stimuli and energy I surround myself with. To be fair, I've had this realization before, but I fall back into old habits time and time again.

This is somethig I have been thinking about a lot lately, something I have really been working on in the last few months. I've been telling myself my mental strength and my physical strength are the same. That I am capable of anything. That with the right shift in my attitude I can do anything. I can change my aversion to physical activities by being positive and focusing on happiness rather than worrying about causing a flare. I can acknowledge my physical limitations, be mindful and rest often, and focus on what I'm doing and that I like doing it.  I can do more than what I'm currently doing, I don't have to be scared. I can be healthier, which will make me stronger both mentally and physically, which will (hopefully) ignite a perpertual cycle of positivity, health, and happiness.

I need to focus on redefining my strength. My strength is my mind, my ability to fight for myself every day and to get up and do it again even if I don't win. I am strong. I am powerful. And it's time I recognized that.

We clearly have a differnt opionion regarding the definition of "immoral"

I read an article today about how religious non-profits don't want to comply with the new ObamaCare law that would require them to give free contraception to their employees because they find contraception "immoral."

To me, asking someone to be a parent when they don't want to be, or can't be (whether due to an illness- mental or physical, or due to financial circumstances) is immoral. The child raised in that environment isn't being given their best chance and are probably going to suffer for it.

God said populate the earth, and guess what, we did! We did such a good job that we can't feed all the people on this planet, yet we insist on creating life after life- is it any wonder we've turned to science to help fill the void on our tables? Having "fake" food is better than no food at all, but what health consequences will come along from having a diet of "fake" food? And is sentencing someone to a lifetime of not having enough to eat or not having access to "real" food 'moral?'

Population control is not "immoral," planned parenthood is not "immoral," but imposing your beliefs on someone else and making them suffer for it IS.

Being a Woman in America

Confession: I love feeling beautiful, I love feeling glamorous, I love to Model; but I love the look on people's faces/reactions when people find out I'm smart and accomplished even more (even if it makes me mad sometimes... like right now.)

Rant: But isn't it sad that it's always a shock to people that you as a woman can be both pretty AND smart, or pretty AND successful... and you can read their expressions when they figure it out, and it always looks like they're trying to comprehend advanced Physics or Math Theory: "Oh, so... you're young AND pretty AND smart AND educated AND have a good Job? Wait... aren't you supposed to be gold digging or something??"

Ugh! We have a long way to go. The Media insists on only focusing on the feminine aesthetic, our worth only comes from our looks; but Women are NOT one dimensional, people! I can be a good model who enjoys feeling pretty and pampered AND work hard and not only hold down a 'professional' job but excel at it (thankyouverymuch).

Being a women in America means that you are told that you have to look a certain way, dress a certain way, be perfect looking all the time. It means that your other attributes don't matter. So you're smart? Hide it. Men are intimidated by smart Women so dumb yourself down, and don't take 'Honors' classes in school, because then you'll not only be intimidating but nerdy as well- and being a nerd is almost as bad as being ugly- avoid it!

BE YOU. BREAK STEREOTYPES. LIVE YOUR LIFE YOUR WAY. DON'T LET THEM TELL YOU WHO OR WHAT TO BE. FREE YOUR MIND. THINK FOR YOURSELF.

I've always been proud of the fact that I'm multi-dimensional. Always. I've always had several plates spinning and lots of projects going on because I am many things, and I am good at many things. I'm a woman, and this encompasses many things, not just one. As the song says, "I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother, I'm a sinner, I'm a saint" I'm all of these things and more, and I need to be able to express myself as ALL of these things and have them be accepted as 'normal,' not just one or two. Jumping from 'vamp' or 'model' into 'working professional' and 'committed partner' shouldn't come as a surprising feat to everyone around me.

I have more to offer than just my looks, and I fight everyday to make sure that I am improving all aspects of myself: not only my health and looks but also my intellect, my professionalism, my spiritualism- growth is my main goal in life. Who I am as a person is more important than what I look like. It's time the world started to understand that, and the Media starts perpetuating the idea that we are people, just like men, and our whole self is important, not just our bodies. Idolize who someone is, not what they look like. We're worth more than that.

Freshen up- a tip to get fresh in the bathroom

Did you know that toilet seat covers are equatable to face oil blotting papers?

No really, they absorb the oil and leave the makeup just like those fancy papers you can buy at bath and body works and every major make up supply store.

Next time you need to pop-a-squat, do your face a favor and completely remove the center of your seat cover and use it to blot your t-zone as you... wait. 

You'll not only feel refreshed, but you'll look refreshed too.

Ya dig?

Limit the Government- not the People

We need to start changing the focus of our government- they make laws for everything except what matters. Focus on what isn't allowed than how to live in peace with those around you, we shouldn't need laws for every little thing, we need a SOCIAL REVOLUTION up in here!!

If we all knew our RIGHTS would we allow so many LAWS that limit them?? Hhmmm...

What Rights is the Government infringing on? Pretty much ALL OF THEM, take a moment to read your Rights and educate yourself: http://www.senate.gov/civics/constitution_item/constitution.htm

A Healthy Democracy Respects Dissent: Thoughts on Independence Day

July 4, 1776.

The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America,

"When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.--That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, --That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.--Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States."

http://www.archives.gov/exhibits/charters/declaration_transcript.html

July 5, 2012

The Ramblings of a Heifer Walrus

So begins the Declaration of Independence. After that most powerful disertation a list of objections are listed, and finally, the point: you won't treat us right and we're not putting up with it any more. I read The Declaration of Independence every year, and every year it speaks to me like a living breathing thing. It amazes me. The power, self-assurance, and INTELLIGENCE of the men who started this crazy thing called the United States of America. They amaze me. The power and Truth of what they've left behind for us make my head swirl.

Of course when my head swirls trouble tends to happen.

All I could think of when I was reading our Declaration of Independence is the same thing that I thought of on MLK Day:

The very thing we rallied against so strongly we continue to put onto others who we deem "unworthy" of those same things that we fought, died, and rebelled for. The things we DEMANDED for ourselves we are CONTINUALLY keeping from others.

Life, Liberty, the Pursuit of Happiness- it's something we all want. It's something we've quite clearly stated as something that is given to us by our Creator, not our Government, and yet we are still allowing our Government to keep these unalienable Rights from our Brothers and Sisters. But of course, we've had to recalibrate our closed-minds to include people of "color" as actual "people." We had to do a similar recalibration after 9-11 to remind ourselves that not all Muslims are terrorists. We've realized several times over that we exclude our fellow Humans from The Human Condition- and yet we continue to do it.

Gay people are people too. They deserve the same Civil Rights, Respect, and Liberties that we've demanded for ourselves.

It's time that we realize that THERE IS A SEPERATION OF CHURCH AND STATE, and that it was made to keep our closed-mindedness from impededing on the unalienable Rights of our fellow Humans. That more evil has been carried out in the name of Religion than anything else, and that it is time to STOP EXCLUDING and START INCLUDING. STOP JUDGING others for something you don't believe in or understand and START ACCEPTING them for who they are and what they have to offer this world.

IT'S 2012 - 236 YEARS LATER- CAN WE GET IT TOGETHER HERE PEOPLE??

LIFE, LIBERTY, AND THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS FOR ALL- EQUALITY!!