So the David Steen and I are finished for good this time. After more than three years of trying to make it work we’ve officially called it quits; well, I’ve called it quits.
For those of you who don’t know our history, I’ll catch you up:
• October 2006: we did Red Noses (a play) together, I had a sex dream about him, and we started having some casual sex. Then I found out he was technically still dating a girl, he just “hadn’t gotten around to officially breaking it off but they both knew it was over.” Needless to say, I should have cut it off then and there, but idiot that I am I didn’t. I gave him miles of shit for it, but didn’t break it off.
• January 2007: I realized I was in love with him. And I didn’t like it one bit as one of his feet was always out the door.
• Not long after that (as I don’t particularly enjoy being ignored) we mutually agreed to stop the casual sex and just stay friends.
• A few months after that he realized how FABOULOUS I am and how nice it is to have an intelligent conversation with the woman you’re having sex with, and this led to an actual relationship, and then, a few months after that, about a month after we went to Amsterdam for my 21st birthday he broke up with me- we’re now around June 2007.
• The ides of March 2008: Well, we never really stopped talking, or even really hanging out, and in no time at all we were back together. The ides of March should have been our first clue, but “love is blindness” and we were VERY much in love. Or as our friend Rob put it: we were stupid for each other. That is probably the most apt phrasing for it come to think of it.
• A few months down the line we started having problems, and he broke up with me for really no reason at all other than commitment issues.
• Then he realized how HORRIBLY he fucked up AGAIN, and fought long and hard to get me back. I mean, he was royally kissing my ass (as well he should!) for a very long time.
• Then we did shrooms, and on April Fool’s Day of 2009 thanks to many hours of a physodellic drug trip, we got back together because I realized I love him; whether it was still or again I didn’t know, I just knew I loved him irrevocably.
• About a month after that we moved in together, and occasionally his siblings. And this pretty much brings us up to date.
I don’t even remember how it officially came up, but let’s start with this: right now, I know four women who are pregnant, and I LOVE kids- far more than regular people actually as most people seem to forget how to use cognitive thinking after puberty- so I’m stoked, especially since one of the said pregnant women is my cousin’s wife, so we’re expecting the first baby in our family in almost eighteen years, so needless to say the excitement is mounting. All I really remember is me coming home from my friend’s house Thursday February 18, 2010 after some girl catch up time, and I ended up having a talk with David about how I wasn’t happy. Now, mind you, this conversation is not new, we’ve had it about every three months since we’ve moved out together- now I know why. Apparently, David changed his mind about kids, even though we’ve talked about it several times, named our unborn children, etc. I mean, he literally yelled, “I want to marry you, I want to have kids with you” when he was trying to get me to take him back the last time, but apparently, right after we moved in together he changed his mind about kids and decided to not tell me. So it came out during that discussion that he doesn’t want kids anymore, and he can’t see himself ever wanting children, and he’s known about this for eight months- so basically, right after I moved in he “changed his mind” and just didn’t tell me (although how you just “change your mind” about something like that is beyond me and how you just fail to mention it is beyond that point still farther). Apparently he decided that he would resent kids because he thinks that they would keep him from doing what he wants to do with his life. Mind you, he wants to do a lot of things, none of which are really feasible at this point in his life, plus I honestly don’t think he REALLY knows what he wants to do with his life anyway, and I don’t want to have kids for another seven or eight years, but he just can’t stand the thought of being held back apparently. Even though millions of people fulfill their dreams and still manage to have families- but whatever.
Needless to say I didn’t take this news very well. There was some yelling, some freaking out, a lot of crying, and some accusations on my part (it felt like he lied to me, which, in a sense, I guess he did) and in the end I asked him to picture his life with kids, to just think about it for 24 hours, and he slept on the couch and I slept in our bed. This was the first night since we started sleeping together all those years ago that we spent the night apart while being under the same roof.
Needless to say, I didn’t sleep that well.
And by “that well” I mean not at all, I don’t think I even got in two hours sleep to be honest.
Luckily (and I mean luckily as in thank Christ here people), I was the only one in the office that Friday, because I spent the entire morning crying. There was a ten minute period where I just laid down on the floor and cried. Then I hollered at my girlfriends, got some balls and some help, and started the apartment search. On the way home that day I actually looked an apartment- and started crying at the question “why are you leaving your current residence.” God, I was a mess.
Well, I called Grandma (as I’ve gone to her with every problem I’ve had) and she told me to get my act together, and I did- as best as I could manage anyway. So when David came home and he told me he definitely didn’t want kids I told him that I had to leave. It was very matter of fact, there was minimal to no crying, I just said “I can’t stay here when this isn’t what I want with my life” when he asked me to stay. Oh yes, he asked me to stay, but I can’t continue to be in a relationship that isn’t going to give me the future I want (especially since I’ve been upfront about wanting kids from the very beginning), it’s a waste of time for everyone involved and all it does is prevent heartbreak, so I hunted for apartments all day Saturday, then got not sober at my bestie’s place, and ended up going home at 7am as I just couldn’t sleep (the whole not sleeping thing was a problem for about a week after that Thursday), and what I came home to that Sunday changed the break up for good.
At this point, we are both still in love, and just heartbroken over the fact that I’ve ended because we want different futures. So I walk in to see a lot of empty beer cans on the kitchen table and our friend Chocolate Bear/Bobby passed out on the couch, and I think, “the boys got up to some drinking last night, fair enough.” And David comes out of our bedroom in his boxers with a hard-on (fair enough, it IS morning after all and he always sleeps in boxers) and gives me these big sad eyes, and holds me for a minute and asks if I’m okay… then I try to go into our bedroom.
AND HE STOPS ME AND TELLS ME SOMEONE IS IN THERE.
This is just over twenty-four hours after I broke it off. None of my stuff is moved out, our sex sheets are still on the bed, and he invited another bitch into OUR bed. They both say that nothing happened, but the fact of the matter is is he betrayed me. Another woman slept where I sleep, next to the man I called MINE and whom I was supposed to marry and have kids with. NOT OKAY.
So I push my way into the room because FUCK THAT and I needed to brush my teeth and I still lived in that god damned apartment for Christ’s sake. She is in the bathroom so by the time she came out she was dressed (which was a bummer, I kind of wish I had pushed my way in immediately instead of freaking out so at least I would know FOR SURE) and by the time I got done brushing my teeth she was getting directions to her car from David. At that point I helpfully said, “What you can sleep next to a woman but you can’t walk her to her car?” I then, of course, walked her ass to her car myself as I had some things to say.
Wait. Did I mention our small couch was unoccupied? Apparently his cousin was supposed to sleep in it but she went to sleep at our friend’s place as he lives in the same complex, but: THERE WAS AN AVAILABLE COUCH. I understand if you don’t want someone to drive after drinking, but they don’t have to sleep in YOUR BED, especially since it was still OUR FUCKING BED.
First thing I said as we started walking was, “David told me nothing happened” to which she promptly agreed and said, “I’m not that kind of girl” (but apparently she’s the kind of girl who will sleep next to a man when his ex hasn’t moved out yet, and it’s been barely twenty-four hours after the breakup, and it wasn’t even a bad we-can’t-get-along breakup, whore.) To which I said, “I believe you, but needless to say what you did was NOT OKAY.” Then I pointed her in the direction of her car, turned on my heel, and ignored the “I’m sorry” that came from behind me.
Second thing I did was email her on Facebook. And thank God David got called in to work- that means I didn’t have to deal with him.
This is what I wrote:
Subject line: About this morning
Just so you know, I believe you both when you say nothing happened. That being said if I do find out something happened and you both lied to me you will find out why people are afraid of me. Also, as you slept where I sleep (next to the man I've loved for three years and whom I was supposed to marry and have children with- and yes we did talk about it, we even named our unborn children just so you know), I would appreciate it if you didn't step foot in my apartment again until I move out. Because this is still where I live, and that was where I sleep. Innocent as your stay may have been, you disrespected me in the most intimate and hurtful way possible. We will never be friends. You violated the feminine code. This situation is hard enough for me as it is without someone who is practically a stranger making it worse.
Then she promptly blew air up my ass because she KNEW she was wrong. I don’t fucking care how drunk you are, you know what bed you’re climbing into, and you know if the man who slides in next to you is wearing pants or not.
She Replied with:
Now that I’ve read [your message], I can honestly say that I respect you more than I did this morning. This doesn’t mean much to you since we are strangers for all intensive purposes. But, you more than earned all of my respect and I will respect all of your wishes. Nothing did happen and I appreciate your ability to take the situation for what it was and not read into it like most women would do. What did happen was horrific enough without any sexual innuendos. I acted without any thought or consideration of your feelings, for that I take full responsibility. I gave you a sincere apology this morning. I have no reservations about admitting when I am wrong. Had you been there or not, I would have told you that I was in the wrong and I am truly sorry.
(I make a very rude noise everytime I read that. Whore.)
Well, after that whole episode I turned bitter (although I did get a little giggle out of “intensive purposes”). And I get a little bit more bitter every time I explain it to someone. Because really, how disrespectful are you? To invite another woman into our bed after breaking up like THAT. After all that we’ve been through? Years of building a friendship, a relationship... he helped me so much, I gave up so much, we went through so much together, grew so much together, we laughed and cried and loved and this is how it ends? With this bitter taste in my mouth? It’s a slap in the face.
Today is March 2, 2010, and exactly one week ago today I signed the lease to my new apartment, and since that day I have moved everything out of David’s place except the plants. I am officially a single woman on my own. And I know I’ll find someone else to love, someone who really deserves me, someone who will fight to KEEP me rather than just someone who fights to get me back after stupidly breaking up with me then giving up again after getting me, but... this is the second time that I’ve dedicated my life to someone. The second time that I’ve planned a life together and a future with someone else, I was on the marriage track, and here I am: all alone and starting over. Again.
I’m seriously starting to believe God is getting loads of entertainment teasing and mocking me.
And I call BULLSHIT.
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