Having Your Limitations Discussed Out Loud Isn't Fun You Guys

So I spent most of my 20s as a burlesque dancer, and stopped a few years ago because 1) the pain and fibro fog were getting really bad and the troupe was getting more popular and keeping up with the schedule was getting too difficult, and 2) my ex (who I was with at the time) wasn't in love with the idea of a burlesque dancer helping to raise his son or have pics of me in costume/lingerie on the internet (ugh, right?).

I still go back and dance occasionally because I love it, but I also know that I'm not as good as I once was- my extensions aren't as good, my flow isn't as clean, etc.- and most of this is because of pain and the new limitations my body has, and part is because I just don't dance often as I used to.

Anyway, I had someone tell me they could see the difference in how I used to dance and how I executed an old routine on friday - and it kind of broke my heart a little. They meant well, like 'when you watch your routine, you gave great face, but..." and then they pretty much told me all about how my physical limitations made my routine not quite as good as it used to be.

Needless to say, as excited as I was to perform an old classic solo again, especially because it was our 10 year anniversary show so it was kind of a big night with the majority of 10 years of a burlyfamily in the house, I wasn't able to watch my performance until sunday morning because I was scared I'd watch it and just judge myself more harshly than usual and only think of how good it could have been, 'if only fibro wasn't my life,' but I'm trying not to let this whole thing get me down too much... I can't change anything and I'm doing the best I can... but damn guys, that hurt. It's one thing to watch yourself and judge yourself, but it's another thing to have someone straight up be like "you used to be better, here are some specific examples" and me having to go, "so basically you could see my fibromyalgia in my solo" and watch them have the lightbulb moment that made them say, "yeah!" Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

Letting go of what you used to be able to do, what people expect of you... that may be the worst part of fibro- learning about and teaching others about the 'new you' can be really hurtful sometimes 😥

Moving on After An Abusive Relationship in a Digital Age

Thanks to Facebook's 'On This Day' feature, we get bombarded daily by memories of our past- some good, some bad- and while you can block certain "people" from appearing in these notifications, you can't stop the pain that comes when pictures appear in your timeline that remind you of said persona non grata.

*If you know how to do that, contact me IMMEDIATELY!!*

For example, when I realized I was recovering from an abusive relationship in which I was gaslighted and that, actually, some of the things I was experiencing were actually symptoms of PTSD and not just run-of-the-mill anxiety, I quickly blocked my ex from this feature to protect the person who was trying to grow out of broken person I was at the time.

(Fun fact, before therapy I thought this was just a "normal" toxic relationship, albeit a bad one; in therapy, I realized just how far the rabbit hole went- and that was a bit of a mind fuck, to be honest.)

After I learned that anything connected with my ex would trigger my PTSD, I not only blocked him on facebook but I also gave up as many associations as I could that reminded me of him as quickly as I could. Since that relationship 'officially' ended two years ago, I've pretty much changed EVERYTHING. One of the first things I did was I got a new wallet and credit cards because he made me do most of the shopping for our home and I couldn't even look at things that represented that old life anymore. Over time I've updated my wardrobe, found new places to eat, got a different dentist, got a different job- I mean I've been changing EVERYTHING in my life to distance myself from him and the feelings that come along with him, and I've been pretty successful for the most part, but the success came from the work I put in, and that's an important point.

That being said, over the last month and a half I've been seeing certain pictures from 4 years ago pop up that remind me of him, but aren't "of him," such as pictures of me moving into his place, pictures of me and his kid, pictures of the dog we got together, etc. - so it's been... interesting. I'm happy to say that my triggers are in no way as strong or as in control of my emotions as they were two years ago, and I think I get stronger every day, but still... it's not easy to look at how happy you were when you thought someone was "the one" - especially when those images are just pushed on when you didn't want them or ask for them - and today was especially interesting, because today is the day that the world changed. Four years ago today, he showed me his real colors, and I began to see who he really was rather than who he was pretending to be. Granted, it took another two years before I was able to leave and stay gone, but that's a whole other story.

Now part of me likes this feature because some memories are great, and seeing how far I've come, no matter how painful it is, is nice, if I'm being honest. Today, my first reaction when I saw those posts and remembered what went down and how it was the beginning of the end for the person I was and the life I was living, was pride. Pure pride - go me! #itgetsbetter and I'm living proof! But another small part of me was like, that's it, final straw, delete the feature - how dare you force me to remember my past, especially when I was doing so well moving on! Rude! And it made me think that, as hard as is it to get over a breakup, especially if it was an abusive relationship, how much more difficult is it in this digital age! You have to not only get over someone emotionally, but you also have to go through the effort of cleansing your online profile too- you delete old posts, old pics, because you can't have your new beau find pics of your ex and you when you were together online or he'll think you're not over it, etc. etc. etc. - how exhausting! Some people find this cleansing I'm sure, but this is your life you're deleting here- good or bad, it happened. Think about it- how many vacation pics do you have that you can't post because an ex is in it? I mean, why deny it, at that time you were with someone else, and in some cases, especially after a significant amount of time, it's not a big deal-  but then sometimes it is.

I'm not saying we need a 'eternal sunshine of a spotless mind' real life or online option (although it'd be nice to have the option, not gonna lie) but it does make you think - if everything you post is going to come back to haunt you, would you still post it? If you had to watch a parade of all the decisions you've made, would you still make them? Are you strong enough to survive your past? Have you made peace with the fact that your past does not dictate your future, and are therefore safe from such musings? Or are you still drowning in the ocean of your past and therefore overly susceptible to any reminders of past hurts? Should we take an emotional stability test before we're allowed to have this feature enabled? (No, but really though.) Or, perhaps, is it simply that we've changed how we experience the world ("it didn't happen unless it ends up online") and are therefore bombarded by our past more than we used to be, and therefore see more pain and have a harder time allowing our emotional wounds to heal?

Just something I'm thinking about...