Having Your Limitations Discussed Out Loud Isn't Fun You Guys

So I spent most of my 20s as a burlesque dancer, and stopped a few years ago because 1) the pain and fibro fog were getting really bad and the troupe was getting more popular and keeping up with the schedule was getting too difficult, and 2) my ex (who I was with at the time) wasn't in love with the idea of a burlesque dancer helping to raise his son or have pics of me in costume/lingerie on the internet (ugh, right?).

I still go back and dance occasionally because I love it, but I also know that I'm not as good as I once was- my extensions aren't as good, my flow isn't as clean, etc.- and most of this is because of pain and the new limitations my body has, and part is because I just don't dance often as I used to.

Anyway, I had someone tell me they could see the difference in how I used to dance and how I executed an old routine on friday - and it kind of broke my heart a little. They meant well, like 'when you watch your routine, you gave great face, but..." and then they pretty much told me all about how my physical limitations made my routine not quite as good as it used to be.

Needless to say, as excited as I was to perform an old classic solo again, especially because it was our 10 year anniversary show so it was kind of a big night with the majority of 10 years of a burlyfamily in the house, I wasn't able to watch my performance until sunday morning because I was scared I'd watch it and just judge myself more harshly than usual and only think of how good it could have been, 'if only fibro wasn't my life,' but I'm trying not to let this whole thing get me down too much... I can't change anything and I'm doing the best I can... but damn guys, that hurt. It's one thing to watch yourself and judge yourself, but it's another thing to have someone straight up be like "you used to be better, here are some specific examples" and me having to go, "so basically you could see my fibromyalgia in my solo" and watch them have the lightbulb moment that made them say, "yeah!" Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

Letting go of what you used to be able to do, what people expect of you... that may be the worst part of fibro- learning about and teaching others about the 'new you' can be really hurtful sometimes 😥

DON'T CALL IT A COME BACK!

So, for those of you who don't know, I'm a burlesque dancer- and I LOVE IT!!! My love affair with pin up culture started in high school and continues to grow stronger every year!

On Saturday I performed Burlesque with my ladies again for the first time in a VERY LONG TIME and it felt WONDERFUL to be on stage again!! I missed it SOOO MUCH! I love dancing burlesque! It is the most self-empowering thing a woman can do. Feel uncomfortable with your body? Take a burlesque class or a pole class and you will fall in love with YOUR body, not the body the media tells you you are supposed to have! You really connect with yourself and your body and your self image when you strut your stuff on stage! I've never felt better about myself than when I was a full-time burlesque dancer. You feel powerful, and wonderful and sexy. You can control the crowd with a flick of your wrist and the roll of your hips. Burlesque allows you to express both your sensuality and your sexuality. When you're dancing, you are ALL WOMAN! You don't have to apologize for being sensual or having a sex drive- you get to revel in it! And yes, you do go down to pasties in most troupes, but really, it's just a body. They're just boobs. If you're at a burlesque show and you've never seen boobs- have a good look because it's about time. And if you're at a show and you see boobs- it's nothing you haven't seen before. You get more nudity on cable than at a burlesque show, and you know what we're doing? DANCING! Burlesque is a form of DANCE. It is an ART FORM: the art of the tease. And we preform dance routines with the best of them!

So my first show back was at The Pike bar in Long Beach, and we perform there almost every month. It's the smallest stage EVER but the crowd is always enthusiastic and it's always a good time. I had AN ABSOLUTE BLAST!! I was only in three numbers because I'm new to the troupe, but I had two solos (both off the new Slash album bc I LOVE that album- Beautiful Dangerous and Back to Cali) which was kick ass!! Check out some of my pics, and oh hey! The OC Weekly was there- check out my other ladies! We're HOT HOT HOT!! http://www.ocweekly.com/slideshow/the-dirty-little-secrets-burlesque-nsfw-the-pike-bar-and-fish-grill-30321691

If you want to come to our next show, we are performing at the El Ray in LA on August 6th, for more information check us out at http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Dirty-Little-Secrets-Rock-Burlesque/108754859158814