A Healthy Democracy Respects Dissent: Thoughts on Independence Day

July 4, 1776.

The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America,

"When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.--That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, --That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.--Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States."

http://www.archives.gov/exhibits/charters/declaration_transcript.html

July 5, 2012

The Ramblings of a Heifer Walrus

So begins the Declaration of Independence. After that most powerful disertation a list of objections are listed, and finally, the point: you won't treat us right and we're not putting up with it any more. I read The Declaration of Independence every year, and every year it speaks to me like a living breathing thing. It amazes me. The power, self-assurance, and INTELLIGENCE of the men who started this crazy thing called the United States of America. They amaze me. The power and Truth of what they've left behind for us make my head swirl.

Of course when my head swirls trouble tends to happen.

All I could think of when I was reading our Declaration of Independence is the same thing that I thought of on MLK Day:

The very thing we rallied against so strongly we continue to put onto others who we deem "unworthy" of those same things that we fought, died, and rebelled for. The things we DEMANDED for ourselves we are CONTINUALLY keeping from others.

Life, Liberty, the Pursuit of Happiness- it's something we all want. It's something we've quite clearly stated as something that is given to us by our Creator, not our Government, and yet we are still allowing our Government to keep these unalienable Rights from our Brothers and Sisters. But of course, we've had to recalibrate our closed-minds to include people of "color" as actual "people." We had to do a similar recalibration after 9-11 to remind ourselves that not all Muslims are terrorists. We've realized several times over that we exclude our fellow Humans from The Human Condition- and yet we continue to do it.

Gay people are people too. They deserve the same Civil Rights, Respect, and Liberties that we've demanded for ourselves.

It's time that we realize that THERE IS A SEPERATION OF CHURCH AND STATE, and that it was made to keep our closed-mindedness from impededing on the unalienable Rights of our fellow Humans. That more evil has been carried out in the name of Religion than anything else, and that it is time to STOP EXCLUDING and START INCLUDING. STOP JUDGING others for something you don't believe in or understand and START ACCEPTING them for who they are and what they have to offer this world.

IT'S 2012 - 236 YEARS LATER- CAN WE GET IT TOGETHER HERE PEOPLE??

LIFE, LIBERTY, AND THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS FOR ALL- EQUALITY!!

Lately

I've been really down lately. I would go so far as to say that my depression meds don't feel like they're working at all (despite the recently upped dosage) and I just feel depressed. I am overwhelmed and have so many things going on and the last few years have been the worst of my life (and that is saying something!) and I feel like I've gone through everything alone.

The alone thing is partially my fault, I know that. I'm a very private person, I don't like to talk about a lot of things because I don't want to dwell on them more than I already do, and I don't like to complain about the same thing to the same people because I know it gets old and sympathy, empathy, and shoulders to cry on should be saved for when they are needed... but I feel like the people in my life who should care the most are being the most blase about it all. My family has shrunk in my estimation because of it. I hate to say it, but it's true. I don't understand how they aren't worried (or at least being more proactive or inquisitive or ANYTHING), because I'm worried. Honestly, I'm really worried. My health is getting worse and worse, horrible things keep happening to me and I'm hanging on by a thread. Again. My emotional health is probably at a 2 and I need a change SO BADLY! I'm applying for jobs with no location filter, I'm going out and trying to be friendly and meet people (well, haven't met anyone yet, but I hate strangers!!! I also have some social anxiety, so this is a baby step program I'm on here.), and the fact that I'm doing this because I feel like I'm not getting what I need out of the people in my life is hard to swallow.

I don't want to sit and wallow, I want to be proactive, but I'm poor as hell, feel like shit (thank you Fibromyalgia, thank you very much for the chronic pain and nausea, it makes living life really easy), and don't really have anyone I'm comfortable to talk with about everything that hasn't already heard it twelve times. I'm even thinking about a Shirnk- except I've gone to a few before and I fucking hated it. I don't want someone to listen, I need a bouncing board. Someone who gets it and actually gives a fuck about me and not my money- which brings me to the next issue- no money to pay for this possible idea.

In an effort to make more funds, or at least to get by (random modeling and promo gigs are great but I need more money to fight Fibromyalgia and this god-damned funk!), I've started the J'Adore Store (http://jadorestore.weebly.com/). In it you can find all of the stuff my creative brain makes: canvases, paintings, crafts, my photography is for sale and I've even started making clothes. I'm also thinking about getting back into writting. I started a novel and had a children's book swimming inside my head, "finished" a novella and sent it to a publishing house, but it was one of those 'you pay we'll publish' deals and I took the money and went to Europe instead. While I was in Europe I made the happy realization that my novella needed a third and final section in my novella, which undoubtedly will take it from a 'novella' to a full on, all grown up 'novel.' So as more comes to pass about my musings and writings I'll throw them out into the universe.

I'm also thinking about selling the last remnants of the ex that I have lying around; although this is more of a 'I want everything that he ever touched out of my life' kind of way rather than I 'dammit my poor ass wants to start doing some new things to help my health and I need money to do it' kind of way. I kept the necklace he gave me because it is so beautiful but I never wear because it's from HIM. I kept our furniture because there was NO WAY IN HELL he was keeping it after he had another woman over, not to mention I took much better care of it than he would have, and I gave away my old bedroom set to move in with him. Well, after two and a half years of sleeping alone in the furniture we bought together I'm thinking I may have to sell it, which is kind of awful because I am in love with this furniture. But it's big, it's heavy, I'd have to hire movers to move it when/if I get a new place, and when we bought it that lying sack of shit told me this would last us for the next thirty five years and on our anniversary he'd buy me new furniture. I'm pretty sure it has bad juju in it somewhere because of it's unfortunate association with my past life, but I haven't been able to exercise it out so up on a site for sale it will go.

I've been feeling this overwhelming sesation for a few months now. I tried to combat it by making POSITIVITY a part of my life. Spinning situations to see the positive, talking about positive things, putting positive thoughts into the universe- but it's not enough anymore and it's getting pretty damn difficult to overcome my forboding nature of late. ARG! I want to kick myself in the ass because I know the only person who can help me is me, but I also know that a good support system in critical of healthy souls and I'm floundering.

I always think (and almost never say, because the worst battles with the devil are private and don't need to be repeated) that you can't go through hell and back without the devil sizzling off a piece of your soul. And you can't go through hell and expect to come out at all, and if you do, you aren't the same person.

I'm young, but I've been through a hell of a lot. I can honestly say that most of the time I'm the strongest person I know, but I always feel like a mightly oak that's cracking in the storm. I need to channel palm trees instead.

Wish me luck on my never ending search for peace and serenity!

If you say it Often Enough, it Becomes True, Right?

When you have a chronic illness, it's not always easy to stay positive. Put up all the 'positive reinforcement' notes you want, sometimes it just hits you. BAM! Negative Nelly puts up shop in your brain and there you are, feeling down. Again.

It's especially not easy when you don't receive the positivity and understanding you need. It's hard for people to understand an "invisible" chronic disease. Or any "invisible" disease really- let's be real. But hearing, "you look fine." "you never hang out." "get over it." after a while, it all adds up, and then you have a bad day, and that bitch Negative Nelly is back and worse than ever.

It's hard not to wonder "what did I do to deserve this?" Or to think, "this isn't fair" or to wonder when you're going to get a break.

I'm trying really hard to be positive, to surround myself with positive people who will support me and most importantly understand my limitations, and yet every once in a while I loose it and I'm down in the dumps again and it feels like I have to start all over again (on the 'focus on the positive' front).

It's going to get better. It's going to get better. The longer I work at being positive and stay with my health plan it will get better.

If you say it often enough it becomes true, right....?

Queen of Beating the Dead Horse

I am the Queen when it comes to beating a dead horse- especially when it comes to relationships. You can ignore me, my wishes, my wants and needs- doesn't matter- I'll still look at the decaying carcass that was once our relationship and think, 'we can bring it back, it's not that bad. It ain't dead yet' even when that mother fucker is waving back at you from the after-life.

I do this with my girl-friends and my boyfriends- what the fuck is the matter with me?

I am, by definition, energy deficient, and I just keep putting my energy into people who don't recepricate. Every time I make a stand for myself I can think of ten reasons to give another chance. Then another. And finally another, until my plan works or I'm so emotionally drained I become apathetic. Of course the apathy usually only comes after about five years of trying to make it work and failing. In some cases closer to eight years and longer.

I know I deserve to have people in my life who appreciate and support me, but only a small small fraction of the people in my life actually do. I've been actively working on this since my ex, and right now it is really being put to the test.

I can't get that SNL skit out of my head now:




Dammit.

Fibro Journal

Since being diagnosed with Fibromialgia I've done a lot of reading, research, and talking with my Dr.. Now, I am not the kind of girl who is good at taking pills every day let alone the kind of girl who has it in her to keep a medical journal, but with my symptoms persisting, more frequent flare-ups, and after 10 years of chronic pain and nausea- I've started a Fibro-Journal. Well, I've started taking better notes about what symptoms I feel and when in the day I feel them, and I have a few other cut outs and notes I want to consolodate in there as well. Different meds I've heard of, notes on research I find interesting- things like that.

I want to try and be more proactive about my health- expecially as it seems to be getting worse.

Has anyone out there ever kept a medical diary of any kind? Any pointers?

throwing up

how many times do you think someone vomits in their lifetime? hundreds? thousands? babies puke more than cokerspaniels and some of us continue to do so for the rest of our lives while others develop "steel stomachs." me personally, my body even smells something it doesn't want anything to do with and it's puke-a-palooza, but despite the repetitive nature of this act we never get used to it do we? we never think, "just a few more times and this will be a breeze." unlike learning to drive or ride a bike vomiting doesn't require lessons or concentration. it's a natural reflect much like blinkingx involuntary and even necessary for the body's protection, but it's always, ALWAYS horrible. it doesn't feel like your expunging partially digested food and stomach acid, but your will to live as well.

human beings are such adaptive creatures. within a small amount of time we can get used to just about anything except for something as natural as puking. I call bullshit.