Doing Just Fine

I have a lot of stuff going on in my life at the moment- both work related and personal, and it's a lot for just one person to handle. But why is it that when people ask how we are doing we always say, "fine"- even when we aren't? Is it pride? Pure stubbornness? The inability to admit that we need help? Some sick combination of all three? It's probably the sick combination of the three for me to be quite honest.

Every time I tell people that I'm doing "fine" I always think of the movie The Italian Job. Thanks to that movie I have discovered the meaning of the word: fine.

Freaked out
Insecure
Neurotic
Emotional


So really, when I tell people I'm doing fine, I guess I really am.

Diversity or Encouraged Racism?

I work in the recruitment business, and OFCCP compliance (encouraged affirmative action in hiring/recruiting) seems to be a "hot" term that is losing a bit of it's steam, however people and recruiters are still posting their job requisitions to "diversity boards" with enthusiasm (in fact, if you hold a contract with the Federal Government you HAVE to post your jobs to "diversity job boards") such as 'National Society for Black Engineers,'Society of Women Engineers,' 'Black Women Lawyers Association,' 'LatinosForHire,' 'Asian American Bar Association of New York,' 'Minority Nurse.com,' 'Disabled Persons,''Black Actuaries' (these are just a few, the list goes on and on and on)- but these job boards are exclusive by name alone let alone their posting policies. Shouldn't our target audience for jobs be qualified candidates who are out of work or in need of a new opportunity? Why does race matter? Why are minorities targeted? Isn't the point of overcoming racism to not see someone as a member of a specific race or minority group but as a PERSON?

"We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal." Our country was founded on this idea, it's in our Declaration of Independence, and just as we did before the Civil Rights Movement we're ignoring that "self-evident" truth. When recruiters and HR professionals are looking for people to hire in their workplace they are using the idea that they need to fill a "race quota" to ensure that they are, in fact, an equal opportunity employer, when the idea of equality for all would be better upheld by looking at all the candidates equally and making a decision based upon work experience or education rather than taking race as a top priority above these necessary skills. When looking at resumes, or searching for candidates, shouldn't we be looking for QUALIFIED candidates rather than MINORITY candidates? Am I the only one who sees the failure of logic in this Affirmative Action/OFCCP Compliance concept?

Martin Luther King Jr. had a dream, "that [his] four little children [would] one day live in a nation where they [would] not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character." And unfortunately, all these years later, they are still living in a nation where they are being judged by the color of their skin rather than the content of the resume. Whether or not they can skew this information in their favor is not the material point, because they can, people can use the fact that they are a minority to be hired over a possibly more qualified "non-minority" candidate. The point is that the color of their skin is still a hot topic, a must know, and point of JUDGEMENT that determines whether or not you will even be considered for a position.

Is anyone else seeing signs reading, "Irish need not apply" or hear ignorant mouths saying, "we don't serve your kind here?"

Even the idea of a "minority" group is pure ludicrous. EVERYONE is a member of a minority group. Any time you are taking one specific thing into account against a whole group of things, you are going to get a minority. One piece of an apple is not the entire apple, my race is only a small part of who and what I am, it has NOTHING to do with what I am capable of, and when one piece of data is pitted against the rest of the qualifying data, of course the outcome of the test is going to be a minority, because in the vast scheme of things, that is only a part of the bigger picture.

In order to become truly inclusive and accepting we must stop putting people into categories of race, or minorities. By looking at everyone equally you will automatically come upon a diverse workplace because you are openly accepting all applicants. The moment you begin taking other matters into account you are skewing your own results. Denying someone a job, the right to work, or to even consider their application based upon race IS RACISM! To specifically target a certain minority is EXCLUSIVE and RACIST. If I put my resume on 'Black Actuaries.com' it would be taken down for no other reason than my not being the "right" race for that site- THAT IS RACISM!

These compliance laws are encouraging racism in our workplace, they are keeping the idea that "race matters" alive. How are we supposed to look past the cover and read the book when no one stops talking about the importance of the cover and no one seems to think reading the book is as important as the color chosen to bind it?

If that wasn't enough to convince you, see the ad below that was advertised on a "diversity" site:

Ode to Closure

After eight years of hearing doctors say, "I have no idea what is wrong with you" they have finally stumbled upon the answer; and frankly, despite knowing I will quite literally be suffering for the rest of my life, I'm relieved.

No more frustration over not knowing, no more, how, why, when, will I evers. I have an answer. I can seek the answers, gain the knowledge, be as well as I can be. I am no longer a slave to the unknown, and while I am still a slave to the condition, I have been given a crucial tool for a slave's survival- KNOWLEDGE.

You can't battle your demons in the dark- trust me, I've been trying for eight years. It feels like someone has turned on a light-switch. I keep saying the word over and over again in my head, rolling the feel of it around in my brain, in my mouth, and over my tongue.

It feels like it's always been there. And while in a sense, it has, the word is new, and yet it is so at home in my life- not even 24 hours later.

No more do I have to ask, "why" and hear: "I don't know." Now I can ask, "how" and be presented with options.

Today I am choosing to be blindingly optimistic about something that could be dismal, because, to me, just being given a diagnosis was a god-send.

Closure doesn't signify the end of something. It allows you to close a door knowing it should and can be closed. It gives you hope. Life is about renewal. Life and Death, beginnings and endings. Closure allows you to hope for something new and different. Closure brings hope for a future rather than the pain of the present and the haunting sadness and regret of the past.

Closure is a gift for which I am thankful.

To Puke or not to Puke

I've been debating with myself for about an hour now whether or not I should puke
(I'm at work by the way, and pissed because I thought the days of being so sick I had to puke were behind me, guess I was wrong), and puking has won. Again.

Constant nausea is a bitch, let me tell you :(

Hilarity from Hoag Hospital

So today I went in for x-rays, and I just find the hilarity in everyday life, and I thought I'd share it with you today. Enjoy!

When I was "checking in" with the "receptionist" who was taking all my information she asked me if I had been here before. I responded with, "Yup, I'm in medical offices so much I should be dating a doctor by now." Her response: "Well honey, there's still a chance."

Bahahahahahahahahaha!!! That was probably my favorite.

While in the waiting room I once again felt the need to stress the fact that I feel our Health Care system should work just like frequent flyer miles, the more you use it the more you get for free. Like, two office visits gets you free blood work or something. I need more perks in my health care FOR SURE!

When the unsuspecting young asian radiologist took me back he said, "Okay Miss Wallace I need you to remove your pants and your bra." I'm telling you, his face when I said, "Yeah, I've heard that before" was PRICELESS. hahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahaha

Sometimes I say or do things just to watch it happen. Not gonna lie. And that was just one of those times you can't pass up.

He also got VERY flustered when he lost his marker in my horrible loaner x-ray pants, which was hi-larious. Keeping a straight face was difficult to say the least. Poor kid.

He also apologized when I had to stay in a position that aggravated my pain, and really, "It's okay, that's why I'm here." No really, he was worried, but honey, that is why I'm getting the x-ray in the first place, stop flustering and push the "go" button and get on with it. I can take the pain. It's fine, promise.

Also, the idiot doctor from my last post may have ordered me an s1 x-ray rather than an si x-ray. IDIOT!!!!!!!

FUCK our "Health Care" System!

Here is today's example of how awful our "Health Care" System and Health Care "Professionals" are. Enjoy:

I was unable to pick up my new patient paperwork before going to see the Doctor today, so as instructed, I arrived early to fill out the paperwork- which I did- which the doctor didn't even really look at- but I'm getting ahead of myself.

My appointment was at 4pm, at 4:23 I was still waiting to be seen.

I was taken to the back and weighed and had my temperature and blood pressure taken at 4:40pm. I did not see the Nurse record the results.

Two and a half (long) Newsweek articles later the Doctor shows up and did nothing to instill confidence in his abilities. He stammered, did not make eye contact, and didn't really do much at all except order more labs and x-rays. Oh! He also didn't give me the information on the pain medication he said he would give me.

When he gave me my prescriptions for my x-rays he told me: since they are doing x-rays of my lower back and my uterus would be exposed to radiation, that he ordered me a pregnancy test and that I should wait for the results before getting my x-rays.

FUCK YOU DOCTOR! WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE????

He did not ask me if I had a boyfriend, if I was seeing anyone, if I was sexually active at the moment, or if I was a dirty irresponsible whore who needed a pregnancy test. Not one personal question! Only assumptions!

Needless to say I was OFFENDED! SO FUCKINIG OFFENDED! I haven't had sex in awhile, I'm not pregnant, I'm not slutty, and before you order something like a pregnancy test for someone, you should probably ASK FIRST. ESPECIALLY if I have to pay for it! If he had started with, "we will be taking an x-ray of your lower back which will expose your uterus to radiation, would you like me to order you a pregnancy test before you have the x-ray just to make sure" I would have had a COMPLETELY different reaction towards the whole thing. But to just ASSUME that I needed a pregnancy test? And this is after I left work early only be left waiting in a waiting area with three screaming boys under 7 for an hour, not to mention the $40 co-pay that I had to dish out for the privilege.

THIS is what our health care system is. Ineffective, presumptuous, offensive, and not focused on the patient, their needs, their schedules, or their charts. I think he GLANCED at my chart, and I'm telling you, with me, you need to do more than GLANCE. My family's medical history alone needs explanation and he asked me NOTHING. Oh sure, he asked if it hurt when he applied pressure to certain places, but I've been to A LOT of doctors, I know that good from the bad, and seriously, he was bad.

I tried to call the Doctor's office when I got home to complain about the pregnancy test assumption, but they don't even have an answering machine service to take calls after hours.

Also, I intend to know WHY I need to pay a co-pay when I'm left waiting for that long. There weren't a lot of other patients, it was like a tomb in there.

I run an office, I can't just take time off work all the time to go see these damn doctors! They do not offer flexible hours, no late appointments or Saturdays offered, and they aren't even prompt in keeping their appointment schedules, and yet you have to pay a co payment to miss work for the privilege? How do they think we afford to go see them? BY WORKING! You would think that they would realize that and either make the hours flexible or waive the co payment when you have to wait to be seen for more than 30 minutes.

RIDICULOUS! OUR HEALTH CARE SYSTEM IS RIDICULOUS!!!!!!

REFORM REFORM REFORM!!!!!

Under My Skin

I miss my ex, I miss him all the time. Now let me be clear, I don't miss our romantic relationship, he was a horrible boyfriend; but he was my best friend, and he was a WONDERFUL best friend, and that is the man I miss.

In one month and three days it will be one year since I left him, and I keep thinking about him. I can't get him out of my head, he's under my skin, in my soul and he won't go away.

Slash and Adam Levine wrote a song that epitomizes my life right now, it's called "Gotten" and it's off of slash's new solo album (that I'm borderline obsessed with) enjoy:

So nice to see your face again
Tell me how long has it been
Since you’ve been here
(since you’ve been here)
You look so different than before
You’re still the person I adore
Frozen with fear
All out of love but I take it from the past
All out of words cause I’m sure it’ll never last

I’ve been saving these last words for one last miracle
But now I’m not sure
I can’t save you if you don’t let me
You just get me like I’ve never been gotten before

Maybe it’s a bitter wind
That chilled from the pacific rim
That brought you this way
(brought you my way)
Do not make me think of him
The way he touched your fragile skin
That haunts me every day
I’m out of love but I can’t forget the past
I’m out of words but I’m sure it’ll never last

I’ve been saving these last words for one last miracle
But now I’m not sure
I can’t save you if you don’t let me
You just get me like I’ve never been gotten before
Like I’ve never been gotten before

[Slash Solo]

So nice to see your face again
But tell me will this ever end
Don’t disappear

I’ve been saving these last words for one last miracle
But now I’m not sure
And I can’t save you if you don’t let me
You just get me like I’ve never been gotten before
Like I’ve never been gotten before

I'd highly suggest taking a listen:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rAsVg7pIQtk&feature=player_embedded