My Morning Story - TGIF!!!

IT'S FRIDAY! WE MADE IT!

And omg you guys I am soooooooooooooooo tired, like, if my apartment wasn't going to be sprayed for bugs today I would have seriously contemplated staying home and sleeping for like 10 hours because I know I need it... but I also am so close to finishing a big Etsy order so I am in an all-go-no-quit mode as well- life is strange when you have fibro and a type-A personality, lol.

My morning story: I set my alarm for earlier than usual because as mentioned my apt is being sprayed for bugs today so I had to make sure all the last minute stuff was covered in sheets and put away, and last night I tuckered myself out packing up the last of the stuff I was in DESPERATE need of a shower (my hate of showers and lack of energy means my last real shower was sunday night- but don't worry, I did take two whore baths to try to keep it cute between now and then bc I'm a classy broad, lol) but I literally couldn't get out of bed for over an hour despite lying on tennis balls all week to try to work my shit out, I mean, I was working on my Etsy order after already working a full shift but whatever, I was using ice and heat too (also, twiggy cuddles didn't help my motivation at all, especially knowing she was going to be mad about being locked up for day-boarding and I was feeling guilty about it, not gonna lie).

Once I finally made myself get up and go to the bathroom I had to lie on the bathroom floor for a while, thank god for soft rugs! Then I was finally able to start putzing around the house and getting stuff together and covered, then it was a super quick body shower (hair will be washed this weekend - sorry not sorry), change and get twiggs to get in her traveler cage, which she hates (cue mom guilt again) and then it was out the door!

And of course, in my rush I forgot my phone and I can't go get it bc poison. 😂😂 then I got to work and there were login issues, printer issues, etc. - i'm almost done with my first cup of coffee though, so things are looking up!

Have a great friday y'all, and I hope your morning was easier than mine!

Having Your Limitations Discussed Out Loud Isn't Fun You Guys

So I spent most of my 20s as a burlesque dancer, and stopped a few years ago because 1) the pain and fibro fog were getting really bad and the troupe was getting more popular and keeping up with the schedule was getting too difficult, and 2) my ex (who I was with at the time) wasn't in love with the idea of a burlesque dancer helping to raise his son or have pics of me in costume/lingerie on the internet (ugh, right?).

I still go back and dance occasionally because I love it, but I also know that I'm not as good as I once was- my extensions aren't as good, my flow isn't as clean, etc.- and most of this is because of pain and the new limitations my body has, and part is because I just don't dance often as I used to.

Anyway, I had someone tell me they could see the difference in how I used to dance and how I executed an old routine on friday - and it kind of broke my heart a little. They meant well, like 'when you watch your routine, you gave great face, but..." and then they pretty much told me all about how my physical limitations made my routine not quite as good as it used to be.

Needless to say, as excited as I was to perform an old classic solo again, especially because it was our 10 year anniversary show so it was kind of a big night with the majority of 10 years of a burlyfamily in the house, I wasn't able to watch my performance until sunday morning because I was scared I'd watch it and just judge myself more harshly than usual and only think of how good it could have been, 'if only fibro wasn't my life,' but I'm trying not to let this whole thing get me down too much... I can't change anything and I'm doing the best I can... but damn guys, that hurt. It's one thing to watch yourself and judge yourself, but it's another thing to have someone straight up be like "you used to be better, here are some specific examples" and me having to go, "so basically you could see my fibromyalgia in my solo" and watch them have the lightbulb moment that made them say, "yeah!" Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

Letting go of what you used to be able to do, what people expect of you... that may be the worst part of fibro- learning about and teaching others about the 'new you' can be really hurtful sometimes 😥

Moving on After An Abusive Relationship in a Digital Age

Thanks to Facebook's 'On This Day' feature, we get bombarded daily by memories of our past- some good, some bad- and while you can block certain "people" from appearing in these notifications, you can't stop the pain that comes when pictures appear in your timeline that remind you of said persona non grata.

*If you know how to do that, contact me IMMEDIATELY!!*

For example, when I realized I was recovering from an abusive relationship in which I was gaslighted and that, actually, some of the things I was experiencing were actually symptoms of PTSD and not just run-of-the-mill anxiety, I quickly blocked my ex from this feature to protect the person who was trying to grow out of broken person I was at the time.

(Fun fact, before therapy I thought this was just a "normal" toxic relationship, albeit a bad one; in therapy, I realized just how far the rabbit hole went- and that was a bit of a mind fuck, to be honest.)

After I learned that anything connected with my ex would trigger my PTSD, I not only blocked him on facebook but I also gave up as many associations as I could that reminded me of him as quickly as I could. Since that relationship 'officially' ended two years ago, I've pretty much changed EVERYTHING. One of the first things I did was I got a new wallet and credit cards because he made me do most of the shopping for our home and I couldn't even look at things that represented that old life anymore. Over time I've updated my wardrobe, found new places to eat, got a different dentist, got a different job- I mean I've been changing EVERYTHING in my life to distance myself from him and the feelings that come along with him, and I've been pretty successful for the most part, but the success came from the work I put in, and that's an important point.

That being said, over the last month and a half I've been seeing certain pictures from 4 years ago pop up that remind me of him, but aren't "of him," such as pictures of me moving into his place, pictures of me and his kid, pictures of the dog we got together, etc. - so it's been... interesting. I'm happy to say that my triggers are in no way as strong or as in control of my emotions as they were two years ago, and I think I get stronger every day, but still... it's not easy to look at how happy you were when you thought someone was "the one" - especially when those images are just pushed on when you didn't want them or ask for them - and today was especially interesting, because today is the day that the world changed. Four years ago today, he showed me his real colors, and I began to see who he really was rather than who he was pretending to be. Granted, it took another two years before I was able to leave and stay gone, but that's a whole other story.

Now part of me likes this feature because some memories are great, and seeing how far I've come, no matter how painful it is, is nice, if I'm being honest. Today, my first reaction when I saw those posts and remembered what went down and how it was the beginning of the end for the person I was and the life I was living, was pride. Pure pride - go me! #itgetsbetter and I'm living proof! But another small part of me was like, that's it, final straw, delete the feature - how dare you force me to remember my past, especially when I was doing so well moving on! Rude! And it made me think that, as hard as is it to get over a breakup, especially if it was an abusive relationship, how much more difficult is it in this digital age! You have to not only get over someone emotionally, but you also have to go through the effort of cleansing your online profile too- you delete old posts, old pics, because you can't have your new beau find pics of your ex and you when you were together online or he'll think you're not over it, etc. etc. etc. - how exhausting! Some people find this cleansing I'm sure, but this is your life you're deleting here- good or bad, it happened. Think about it- how many vacation pics do you have that you can't post because an ex is in it? I mean, why deny it, at that time you were with someone else, and in some cases, especially after a significant amount of time, it's not a big deal-  but then sometimes it is.

I'm not saying we need a 'eternal sunshine of a spotless mind' real life or online option (although it'd be nice to have the option, not gonna lie) but it does make you think - if everything you post is going to come back to haunt you, would you still post it? If you had to watch a parade of all the decisions you've made, would you still make them? Are you strong enough to survive your past? Have you made peace with the fact that your past does not dictate your future, and are therefore safe from such musings? Or are you still drowning in the ocean of your past and therefore overly susceptible to any reminders of past hurts? Should we take an emotional stability test before we're allowed to have this feature enabled? (No, but really though.) Or, perhaps, is it simply that we've changed how we experience the world ("it didn't happen unless it ends up online") and are therefore bombarded by our past more than we used to be, and therefore see more pain and have a harder time allowing our emotional wounds to heal?

Just something I'm thinking about...

Why Moving is Different When you Have Fibromyalgia

Moving sucks. There is no way to slice it. The packing, the taping, the hair pulling while moving around boxes to make room for more boxes, hauling your stuff from place to place, unpacking, trying to figure out which box “that one thing” is in, and more often than not, living out of boxes for longer than any human really should because in the end you usually give up on unpacking at least once before you’re done. Now imagine you suffer from chronic pain and you have to deal with all this with a body that may or may not be up to the task.

Unfortunately, the unpleasantness of large tasks such as moving are compounded for those of us living with a chronic condition like Fibromyalgia. The long hours and mental/physical stress of the process can trigger our already active symptoms, cause them to 'flare-up' and possibly even trigger other symptoms on top of what you already deal with on the daily- thus making an already arduous process overwhelmingly difficult.

It’s important for the able-bodied community to understand that daily life is harder with fibro, but it’s also important to explain that completing a mounting, physically intensive task is harder for us too. This is not a pity party; this is real talk. During times like this we need may need extra help, because no matter how carefully we plan for something like a move – there are always contingencies. Things happen that we may not have planned for, or we may get overwhelmed mentally and/or physically, and in the end, not matter how much we may want to, we may or may not be able to handle these things on our own- and it’s important for the people in our life to understand why.

Like a lot of people living in high rent markets like Orange County, CA, I move almost every year as rent prices increase, so it's not like moving is a new process for me, but it's still daunting. Perhaps even more so because I know EXACTLY what I’m getting into as I do this as often as I do (and I also have A LOT of stuff I’m not willing to part with [mostly books, heavy, heavy books]). Add to that with my *real* fear over-exerting myself (because it usually leaves me in incredible pain and exhausted and useless and bedridden (and depressed) for days afterwards. Thanks fibro.) and the thought of moving is pretty scary.

I mean, let’s face it, the beginning/middle/end of a move is not a great time to be bedridden for a few days, especially if you can’t afford much help (if any), and/or don’t have a great support system and have to manage the process all on your own. Plus, even if you do have a good support system, oftentimes moving a lot means you’ve already called in all your favors in regards to asking people to help you move; and when you have a chronic pain condition, you can’t exactly return the favor, and it doesn’t seem fair to keep asking the same people to help you when you can’t help them in return, even if they do “understand you need the help.”

So where does that leave us? Those of us struggling with expensive chronic conditions in expensive rent markets who may or may not have enough help. People with chronic pain conditions struggle with the line between doing “too much” and “not enough” as, as previously mentioned, too much exertion can lead to our symptoms worsening, but you also have to get done everything that needs to get done. It's a catch-22.

So, FYI, I just finished moving. Again. I gave myself more than a month to prepare, thought I’d be able to have everything boxed and ready to go, was so sure I gave myself enough time to do it all in, and got enough people to help me- but then Fibro happened. As usual.

I  had originally planned to do my move in two consecutive Saturdays. Each Saturday I’d have a few (different) friends to help me do a day of moving, and I’d have a week in-between to move some small things on my own and recover enough to be able to do a full day of moving again the following week. Unfortunately, that plan went to shit and I ended up having to call movers last minute to help me because my body just couldn’t do it.

It’s never easy to handle, your body betraying you, but living with this condition for 17 years has taught me to pivot. If something doesn’t work, try something else (please note: this does not mean I can pivot with grace or without crying or whining [maybe that ability will come later?]). When you have to make it work, you have no choice but to find a way to make it work. So if that means calling in favors you might feel terrible about asking for because you don’t feel like you can repay them, then that’s what it means. If that means you have to put the price of a moving truck and movers on your credit card and figure out how to pay for it later, then that’s what it means. If it means doing it all yourself and taking a week off to recover (assuming you can afford to take the time off and/or have vacation days available), then that’s what it means.

All that being said, the next time someone with Fibromyalgia or any chronic condition mentions something major coming up- like an upcoming move for example- know that there is a lot more going on for them than there would be for an able-bodied person. You may not see them for a while as they focus on or recover from their task. They may ask for a favor, or even several favors, but instead of getting annoyed, try to exercise some empathy and understand why. Maybe even take it a step further and offer your services in regards to packing, comparing moving quotes, or offer to pick up their groceries or make them dinner so they can conserve energy- there are an infinite number of ways you can help, and the proactive nature of your offer may help ease some of the guilt of asking for favors, or help ease some of the anxiety they may be facing at such a time, and I can guarantee you it will make the person feel supported- which is EPIC.

Obviously, you can help out your differently-abled friends at any time, and I feel like people know that help may be especially welcome during a symptom flare-up, but I wanted to say also that help is welcome during busy times as well. Even just asking how things are going, letting them vent, whatever- any little thing like that makes such a difference to a chronic pain sufferer because it shows you GET IT when so many people don’t, and living in a world where people may not or believe in your pain or understand your needs is almost as exhausting as living with a chronic pain condition.

I hope reading this made you a little more aware of what life with Fibro/chronic pain is like, and how you can be a supportive ally to us. 

Thanks for reading!

This Means I'm Strong, Right?

Today, I feel TERRIBLE. I got in a car accident last week that produced a flair that makes me want to fold over, crumple on the floor, and stay there. FOREVER. I'm weak, in a hell of a lot of pain (like, Vicodin and Soma ain't working kind of bullshit level pain so you stop taking pills because why kill your liver for no reason and just take it  like a woman), and yet here I am- at work.

I'm lucky enough to have an office job that allows me some flexibility regarding my daily start and end hours (as long as I work 40 hours a week) so if I need a little extra time in the morning I can take it. Where I can sit and do menial tasks when I don't feel up to do doing Boss Lady level work, but how long will I be able to hold this down? What about the other people with Fibromyalgia who aren't so lucky? Who are sentenced to poverty because their syndrome doesn't allow them to work a normal job and disability benefits are laughable, if you can qualify for them that is.

I know self-care is important, but with chronic illness, where do you draw the line? I have always been passionate about being able to eat and pay my bills, and to do that- you have to work. But I am also learning that pushing yourself too hard will only set you back - and I feel like this puts me between a rock and a hard place. So you find something that gives you balance and you think - god damn I am SLAYING IT, until the next flare knocks you on your ass, but the ability to keep going makes you strong, right?

I'm sure if I thought about this while feeling "well" (or my version of 'well' anyway), I would be less pessimistic. More proud of my accomplishments. Better able to express the intricacies of your relationship with responsibilities vs. self-care, but I'm thinking about this now, while I feel like utter and complete shit, and this is what I've got. Now I have to read old posts I and others have written that celebrate the challenges of living with something like Fibromyalgia, something that never goes away and will never get better and how it made them better people. How it made them realize how strong they were and how they are better people because of their struggles. Because crumpling on the floor and staying there forever isn't necessarily an option.

Car Crash + Fibromyalgia = Fibro Flare

I recently got into a minor car accident, nothing major, nothing that needed reporting, and at the time I felt fine. Well, no different than usual. But as the days went on I slowly got more and more sore, felt more and more pain, had less and less energy.

At first I didn't think anything of it, when your days are filled with pain all day every day it's hard to tell if the pain you're feeling is new, or significant. (Which is a problem in and of itself, but a topic for another day.) After almost a week of, "why am I getting worse?" and "ugh, I feel like I got hit by a car," it finally hit me- girl, you did get hit by a car! Your body got shaken up, and now you're paying for it, thanks Fibro!

It's sometimes hard to remember that with Fibro, the smallest bump or fall can trigger a flare or an 'episode' of increased symptoms, especially if you've been feeling relatively decent for a while. You sometimes forget that you're not a "normal" human and things are different for you. Some people can get in minor car accidents or fall down and not be practically bed-ridden for weeks, I however, cannot. Getting banged up/hurt, over-exerting myself, not respecting my boundaries (both physically and emotionally) will trigger a Fibro Flare.

Sometimes I literally hold myself back from doing tasks that may cause a flare, but you can't live your life holding yourself back- and sometimes things literally change lanes and hit you when you least expect it, so realistically, no matter what you do, you're between a rock and a hard place when it comes to Fibromyalgia. It's just a super fun pain roller coaster that you get to ride. Woohoo!

Struggling with Fibromyalgia (While Trying to Re-Build Myself)

The last few years have been particularly difficult. I have been living with Fibromyalgia for 16 of the 30 years I have been on this earth, and the last two years have been some of the worst Fibro-years I have ever experienced.

While I am used to chronic pain, flare ups, hot and cold flashes (just to name a few), as well as the chronic nausea and IBS that is my body's natural response to the stress of the aforementioned symptoms- I am also used to feeling well enough to do fun and exciting things from time to time. Not all the time (let's not get crazy), but occasionally I'd be able to take a dance or a yoga class, or go to an amusement park or a museum and not feel like putting one foot in front of the other was a daunting chore that would leave me as nothing but an exhausted shell, YAY! Lately however, respite from my symptoms has been both evasive and fleeting, and I have far more bad days than good days. Most of the time I find it hard to do simple chores, like keeping my home clean; even simple tasks, like showering, cooking and eating- these things are a struggle for me more often than not. While I feel lucky in the fact that despite my lately exaggerated symptoms I am still able to hold down my office job, not having the energy to do anything beyond the 9-5 has been depressing- which doesn't help break the cycle I find myself in.

Perhaps this... difficult phase? has to do with the fact that I am literally re-building myself. Every major relationship I've ever been in has used my desire for a family of my own as a weapon against me and it's taken it's toll. My first "real" boyfriend was a persona non grata to my Father's side of the family, so of course I fell head-over-heals in love with him. Unfortunately, he wanted me to marry him and live on base with him (as in a military base on the other side of the country) where we would start our family and I'd have a new family and we'd live happily ever after. Unfortunately this would have effectively cut me off from my entire support system, and with him being on active duty (he was in Kuwait, Afghanistan, and Iraq for most of our time together, and this was right after 9/11 so there was a lot going on over there at the time) I would have been alone more often than not (or parenting alone depending on when we had kids). Luckily, I was able to see that this wasn't the life for me and eventually ended the relationship.

My second love also told me he wanted to marry me and that he wanted to start a family with me- unfortunately only the first part of that statement was true. After living together for more than 9 months (you know, after he declared his wishes for our future together), he came home and he was... different. Not long after coming home that night he told me that he lied to me about wanting kids. He knew how much I wanted them and had said what he needed to say to "keep me," thinking one day he would change his mind about not actually wanting children. Well, apparently he came to terms with the fact that he didn't actually want children and the guilt finally made him come clean. He told me all this in a bit of a rush- then asked me to stay with him even though he knew from the very beginning all those years ago that I wanted to be a mother. You know when people ask you in Kindergarten what you want to be when you grow up? I said I wanted to be a Mom- and he knew that, and he did what he did anyway. Needless to say, I moved out as soon as I could.

The third and last time I fell in love was a complete shit show. Apparently my need for a family of my own made me an easy target for someone who was looking for someone to mind their child (he had a son whom he saw almost every day and who stayed with with him often) and their home - and more specifically- someone that they could control. Needless to say I was completely gaslighted. Before I moved in, he was the best boyfriend I'd ever had. Not only was he the most conscientious, courteous man I'd ever met, but we were so aligned on so many things that being with him felt so easy and so right- more right than anything I'd ever known; so with minimal persuasion and much enthusiasm I agreed to move in after only a few months of dating. Of course after I moved in and made the mistake of not being the perfect woman that he wanted me to be, things got toxic, then emotionally abusive with a few violent episodes thrown in for good measure. (To be clear, he never hit me, which is why I failed to identify the abuse for what it was for so long, but he would have the occasional... outburst.... that didn't make me feel safe. These outbursts happened mostly when fights got particularly escalated and, specifically, when I refused to back down).

I don't know if anyone reading this has ever had someone take them apart and create a completely different person without their being aware of what was happening, or if anyone has ever lost themselves in a relationship, or made to feel small, or scared, or like nothing they said or did was right or good enough and what they remembered quite clearly wasn't actually correct, but that's what happened to me with him. (I honestly hope you can't relate.) I looked up one day and found myself isolated both physically and emotionally. Wedges had been driven into all my important relationships, I was constantly uneasy and ruled by anxiety. Additionally, I was often angry, irrationally so, and felt like I couldn't talk to anyone about what was happening at home. I became someone I didn't like, and there were consequences to my anxiety-filled actions which made me even more anxious, and even more unlikeable to myself. I was someone I did not recognize, someone my old self would probably scoff at, mock, and pity, but definatly not understand or respect. Why would you let someone do that to you? Don't you see what's happening? Well, the answer was no, no I didn't. I had no idea most of what has happening was actually happening. And while I had a few people ask me those questions (probably verbatim), I still didn't see what was happening, not all of it anyway. I knew it was toxic (though I had grossly understated how much so to everyone, including myself), but something in me couldn't let go. Even though I moved, I moved right back when he "convinced me he had changed." (Note to self: not taking the time to identify and process your emotions, giving more chances than you know you should, and continually de-valuing your self-worth turns you into the worst version of yourself. Try not to do that again, xoxo)

To make matters more complicated, this was not the first time I'd been manipulated, or even strongly manipulated in my lifetime. There have been more than a few people over the years who have taken advantage of my willingness to believe the best in people- that they are capable of personal growth and change, although this is the first time I was manipulated on such a grand scale. Let's take it back: after a few tumultuous childhood years that involved A LOT of people pleasing, I told myself I would never let other people tell me how to feel, and that I would not do things because other people wanted me to. Admittedly, this mantra lead to more than a few years of juvenile/adult rebelliousness and a strong jaded feeling as side-effects of some slightly zealous over-correction which gave me a bit of a hard outer shell, but it is what it is. (I'm a work in progress, okay?)

Despite my efforts, I have failed at resisting the urge to people-please time and time again over the years- obviously. Apparently there is still a big gooey center hidden in that hard outer shell that simply refuses to die. In my defense, for the most part, before HIM, I was fairly good at identifying this trait and caught on to my people-pleasing antics early on and was able to correct them before things got out of hand. I still have (it's a struggle, okay?) a proclivity to be "on" when I'm out in the world, to hide behind a mask. Now though, I'm better able to take breaks from the facade of 'the girl who is happy and confident because that is how you want her to be because dealing with a person who is struggling is too much for most people' because I know my soul craves to be itself and live its Truth- even if the world finds that kind of person too 'difficult' to deal with most of the time.

As a lot of people know, hiding is exhausting, and no one should live their lives hiding in a closet afraid for the world to know who they are, and with this most recent chapter of my life closed, I was more resolved than ever to be my most authentic self.

So, with a history of a slightly bendable personality and a newly devastated sense of self, I started my life away from HIM. Of course, he still kept in touch. I mean, what psychopath wouldn't want to keep me under his influence/power for as long possible, right? I'm sorry to say that I accepted, perhaps even encouraged the post-mortem communication for a while I because I thought the break-up was as difficult for him as it was for me... of course that was until I learned that he was dating someone- someone I knew, someone we had had dog/kid play dates with when we were together- while he was still talking to me. This particular revelation was a crucial step in my journey and ability to start seeing through his manipulative behavior and understand what his real intentions towards me were, exactly what had happened to me during that relationship, and eventually, to cut him out of my life completely.

(Tangent: It is also worth sharing that his new conquest is being treated exactly the same way he treated me. I know this for a fact because she reached out to me and we talked about it. She expressed her wish that I was more forward about his behavior while we were together, and I felt a lot of guilt about that for a long time. Would she be with him if I was open about his character and she knew the truth? I don't know if it would have changed her mind about dating him in the first place, but I do know that she is now engaged to him and I no longer feel that guilt. She is aware of what she is getting herself [and her son] into, but like me, she was looking for a family, a father for her son, and his hooks are in her TIGHT. I hope she breaks the engagement, and that next time, I am open about a person's true identity. In the meantime, I have to let that shit go, the past is the past.)

Armed once again with my independence, I started the messy process of rebuilding myself. I read tons of articles on break-ups and toxic relationships and started reading self-help and girl-power books. It was during this period that I discovered the term "gaslighting" and realized just how deep the rabbit hole really went and how lucky I was to get out.

Healing and personal growth continues, and it has been a long and arduous journey, as it always is. I'm sure what I've shared is a large contributing factor in the exacerbation of my symptoms, stress, depression and anxious thoughts don't help anyone, and it takes energy to battle your demons- and let's not forget that your demons aren't the only things you're fighting!- and all of that A LOT to manage. Or try to manage. Or pretend to "manage" when really you're really just eating junk food alone in your room, watching Netflix and pretending that the world doesn't exist (let's be real- you ain't gotta lie to kick it!).

I know eventually this rough patch will end and I'll be a better person when I come out the other side, but I am struggling. I am struggling to get through the daily grind, I am struggling to remember to look up and look at the big picture, and I'm struggling to keep my mindset focused on the positive rather than the negative. So this is me, telling my story (parts of it), as a reminder that I'm strong, I've been through some shit, and I'm still fighting (like a boss!). I'm reminding myself to pick my head up and look around every once in a while because while I have a long way to go, I've come a long way already, and that's something to be proud of, not ashamed of. I am a warrior. I fight for myself every day, and it's exhausting, and it's a struggle, but I'm STILL GOING, and that's something to celebrate, not something to hide. So here's to me - YOU GO GIRL!!

Encouraging a Young Woman in the Workplace Made My Day

I like to think of myself as Bruce Wayne sometimes- in the whole double life where I hold a secure office job by day and do the occasional creative gig on nights/weekends on the side that my day job pretty much knows nothing about kind of way- not in the secret crime fighter vigilante kind of way (also, my doorman's name is Alfred, and no one has seen Batman and I in the same room at the same time, so really- you never know... but I digress).

From 9am to 6pm I'm an Office Manager for a Real Estate investment company and we are currently hiring! How exciting right?! Hooray for economic growth! I mean, okay, yes- at first we started hiring people because we had to fire two people who were under-performing and we needed to replace them (wah-wah), so at first the only part of the hiring process I was apart of was the scheduling of interviews/presentations and assessment tests- not necessarily exciting, though there was some pre-screening involved so at least I had that little scrap to play with.

About a week after we started interviewing people to replace the now vacant positions, one of the Principals of the company pulled me into his office and informed me that he wanted my help in creating a job description for a new position he was creating under me to better utilize the skills of everyone in the office and he wanted me to head up the interviews- YYYYYAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSS! This was a total work validation moment- am I right?! You know that feeling when you feel all warm and fuzzy and appreciated and important and it's the best feeling ever (other than sex and chocolate) and you just flip your hair like the goddess you are and float on cloud 9 all day like, "'cuz I slay."

While I have sat in on a few interviews and asked some questions, I've never actually held my own one-on-one interview before, and I was really proud of the fact that I had made it to the next step in my career- finally I was going to be the one on the other end of the table! Move over people, Boss Lady is coming through! Woot Woot!

My main boss (my company is managed equally by 5 Principals and I report to all 5 of them) and I did the first interview together, and from then on I interviewed people first, and then if I liked them he interviewed them after me- and let me tell you, it's one of those rare times in your life when you can look at yourself actually like the fact that you've grown up and become a responsible adult. Of course eventually you have pay bills and resolve conflicts without the violence they may deserve, and then all that goes to shit and all you want to do is color in your blanket fort until your mom is done cooking your dinner, but then you remember living at home sucks so you brave the 405 and go to work anyway.

One afternoon I was interviewing a 23 year old woman who told me that she fell in love with the buying and selling of real estate while she was going through the process of buying a home with her boyfriend- and then had to back out in escrow because her boyfriend broke up with her. She also told me that she was currently a job that she was really dissatisfied with. Originally she wanted to be a lawyer, but after working in this lawyer's office, she realized that was not the career path she wanted, but was staying on there until she found her passion, which she thinks may be real estate, and another job. She told me, "It may sound cheesy, but I just want to find what makes me happy."

I looked her dead in the eye and told her, "That isn't cheesy, that is exactly what you're supposed to be doing right now. You're young, you just broke up with a serious boyfriend, and you're looking for a new job. If you take a job you don't love it will show, trust me. We (meaning the employer) won't like it because we'll see that you obviously you don't like it, so take the time to really feel out your options and chase your passions. And as a woman- you're so much better off finding yourself now, while you're young and unattached, so you can really know who you are and what you're passionate about before you attach yourself to someone or something that may not be what you end up wanting." It was such a "big sister" "women helping women" "Girls Clubs of America" "Bianca Del Rio to Adore Delano" moment, and my Grinch-sized heart grew three times it's size that day.

I owe a lot to the older (and slightly older) women in my life who have taken the time to give me advice, mentor me, listen to me, and just be around me over the years. They showed me different ways to live and work and be and I'm a better woman because of that exposure; and it made me really happy to be able to continue that cycle. It was especially heartwarming that I was able to do this for another woman in the work place (where women are still struggling with glass ceilings and misogyny- good job world), and ESPECIALLY to a young woman who was coming out of a relationship and trying to find herself. I can SSSOOOOOO identify with her, because even though I split with my ex over a year ago, I'm still working on finding and following my happiness. It's something I decided to do consciously every day, and I think it's something we all need to do throughout our entire lives to ensure we're on OUR path and not wandering around after someone else on their path or lost on what used to be our path but now is not.

We all need some validation every once in a while, and I think in that moment this young woman needed to hear that she wasn't being cheesy. That no, she hadn't watched Eat, Pray, Love too many times or read too many New Age Self-Help books and she really did need to follow her bliss. That finding what makes you happy should be a priority in your life and she was doing the right thing searching for happiness in every aspect of her life. Hopefully she left feeling as good about our conversation as I did, because that conversation was two days ago, and I'm still pleased with it- it probably made my week actually.

Spread the love people, we all need it, so hand it out generously. 

The Age of Acceptance

We all know the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Whether we've actually gone through the stages ourselves or know them strictly via hear-say, the idea is a common one in our culture today- to the point where most people can name at least a few of the stages of grief, if not all of them, if asked.

Over the last ten years, age has (unfortunately) started to show in my family and we have gone through more than our fair share of surgeries, diagnoses, treatments, chemo therapies, deaths, etc.; so the idea of the five stages of grief was more than just "something I've heard of somewhere," it was a real part of my life, and that of my family's. This was something I was both aware of and familiar with. Funnily enough, though I was able to recognize these stages when I dealt with a death in my life or when I watched people around me manage their health struggles -and was able to immediately identify the stages for what they were and respond accordingly- when it came to recognizing that I was actually going through these stages myself in my own health journey- I literally had no idea. It took me YEARS to properly identify and finally just accept that the stages of grief were something that I was working through- that I was in fact grieving for the person I used to be and working on accepting who I am now, post-diagnosis.

I first went to the doctor complaining of chronic pain when I was 14, and it wasn't until a few years ago (and I will be 30 in 11 days) that I was properly diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. Before my diagnosis it was, "well, maybe you have this/let's try this and see if it works/maybe this will help you/I don't know what's wrong with you/your tests came back fine, are you sure it's not all in your head/are you here seeking medication (bc I'm not giving you pain pills you fucking drug addict)/if nothing has worked before, what do you expect me to do for you/etc/etc./etc." and the struggle to find a doctor to listen to me, understand that I wasn't making it up, accept that there really was something medically wrong with me, and then actually try to help me figure it out (let alone feel better) left me burnt out, angry, and feeling completely disenchanted with the entire western medical community- which then led to a spiral of depression and increased introversion.

I didn't think that there was anyone who could help me, because for almost 12 years, no one could, and this made me incredibly angry. I mean, I had some hulk-level rage going on (and you won't like me when I'm angry- no really, I can be a right awful c*nt- you don't even know). Then, when anger finally got too exhausting, I started bargaining (you want to talk about what you would do for a Klondike bar? Let's chat about what I would have done for a diagnosis, escandalo!), and unfortunately depression has been by my side for most of this process (that bitch... I'm still trying to kick her ass to the curb- please wish me luck!), and now I've realized I'm starting to move slowly into the stage of acceptance, or as I'm beginning to call it, the AGE of acceptance.

There was a time when I spent a SHIT TON of time and energy trying to hide the things that I have gone through, am going through, and will probably go through eventually. I mean, I'd lie through my teeth, your teeth, my mom's teeth, your grandma's dentures- the whole nine yards, because I didn't care, I just wanted people to think I was "fine," when I was anything but. I didn't want people to think of me differently (bc lord knows they do), and I was terrified people would find out "the truth" about me- like my truth was a bad thing. I didn't want people to think of me as "used" or my condition as "contagious" or my personality as "flaky" or "always negative" or "no fun anymore" or "crazy" or  for people to say that I was "old" now or anything like that- but you know what, keeping my experiences and my feelings inside was making me worse, not better. It's taken me more than a decade but I've finally come to understand that you have to stop feeding the past to become fully open to the future. You can only give energy in so many directions, so give your energy to where you're going rather than where you've been or you'll never truly move on and grow as a person. 

That being said, I'm starting to be more open about things, or at least I'm trying to. Have I lost friends? Hell to the yes I have, but who needs sometime-friends anyway? Oh, I'm not doing what I used to do and I'm no longer useful to you? Fine. (Bye, Felecia!) Oh, it makes you uncomfortable hearing about things I've gone through or the things I'm going through? Maybe think of how it feels to LIVE IT, or think of it as an opportunity to exercise empathy and to put yourself in someone else shoes. Use it as an opportunity to be thankful that your body and your mind isn't waging a war against you. That you aren't facing eventual disability or fighting against a stigma (or at least I hope you aren't!). Please understand that I wish I could do the things I used to do (TRUST.), but I just can't anymore, and because of what I've gone through, I'm not who I used to be either- but that doesn't mean that who I was is dead. I have been reincarnated, this is the next "me" on my life's journey. I am a phoenix rising from the ashes. I am a warrior.

So here I am, trying to accept the things I cannot change and trying to adapt to my "new life." Am I lonelier than I was, absolutely. Is it hard tying to come to terms with the difference between what my mind wants to do vs. what my body is capable of, HELL YES, heartbreakingly so. Am I making lots of people uncomfortable with my new-found frankness/openness, oh yes! Especially from people who have known me for years and are used to me putting up walls (I mean, some people have been okay with it, but overall I am really freaking people out! People CAN NOT handle the truth! [Side note: if medical/health/mental conditions and stories of manipulation/abuse/sexual violence upset you so much, why don't you do something to stop it instead of pretend it's not a problem and doing nothing???? Democracy requires action to work y'all!!])

After almost 30 years I finally feel like I'm at the point where I no longer need to hide from people (most of the time, lol). This is me, this is who I am, this is what I've been through, this is what I'm struggling with- this is my life. Real talk. I don't want to hide anymore, I don't want to be fake with you, I don't want you to be fake with me- fake is a waste of time, and similarly, I no longer care to keep up pretenses with you either. I no longer have the energy. So take me baby, or leave me.

Redefining Strenth

I, like nearly 10 million other Americans, suffer from Fibromialgia. My main symptoms are chronic pain and chronic nausea (the neausea is actually a by-product of the pain as that is how my body reacts to the stress of being in constant pain), and today was not a good day.

My pain level is usually around 3/4, but the last few days the pain has been steadily increasing. Like everyone else I know with Fibromialgia my pain levels ebb and flow, and my pain usually settles in my neck, back, and in recent years, my hips. There are good days and there are not so good days. Today has been a 'not so good day,' but like everyone else who lives with Fibromialgia or chronic pain, you learn to live with it. You go on with your life despite, or in spite of, the pain. Today was just another day, but I couldn't wait to go home so I could start alternating ice and heat to try to combat my symptoms. At my last job I was more open about it and wore ice packs and heating pads often, several people even knew about my Fibromialgia, but when I took a new job last year I decided to keep that part of my life private. In part this was due to going from a loud and busy office of almost 60 people, to a much smaller, more intimate office of only 10, and the other part was due to past experiences at my old job.

The pain got worse as the day went on and as usual the nausea got worse right along with it so I wasn't able to eat much, and even though I didn't have the stomach for breakfast (this is normal but I had actually vomited this morning which is not) I was only able to eat half of the sausage, egg and cheese biscuit I got at Starbucks on my way to a fitting I had scheduled on my lunch break for an upcoming play that I will be preforming in.

I have been lucky enough to perform in several plays at this theater so my size chart has several sets of measurements on it from all of the shows that I've done over the years, so it is really easy for me to see how my body has changed over time by looking over the chart. Thankfully, my measurements hadn't changed much since my last fitting- I was worried about this because at a previous fitting a few years ago I discovered that I had lost 2 inches from my bust and hips (my waist was unchanged) due to being consistently unhealthy due to an increase in my Fibromialgia symptoms. I was devastated and embarrased over the drastic changes my body had been through in a relatively short period of time. At that time, when I looked at myself in  mirror I did not see a fit/thin young woman like everyone else (apparently) saw- I saw a sick person. When I looked at myself carefully I could see that skin was starting to sag in certain places from the rapid, unhealthy weight loss. I saw an overly-defined collarbone and inklings of my rib cage.

Like many women, I struggle with my weight and have body image issues. In this matter I tend to swim against the tide as most women seem to want to be thinner, while I, at the very least, struggle to maintain my weight, and have worked to gain weight on more than one occasion for both my doctors as well as myself. You can imagine what this has done to my mental health and stability.

During today's fitting, the costume designer Silvia, whom I know well enough now after all these shows, asked me how I manage to stay so thin, and I told her simply "chronic nausea." To which she replied, "that's terrible." Now at this point I had a choice to make in the conversation. I had chosen to be honest with Silvia about my condidtion and could have chosen to use this moment to get a little sympathy or encouragement, especially since I wasn't feeling well, but I try to be as positive as possible. I don't always succeed.

Like everything else, you have the power to change your attitude. Reacting to and facing negative situations with positivity and happiness makes you a more positive and happy person. They say you are actually rewiring your brain when you do this, and this was an opporunity to do just that, so I replied simply, "Yeah, but it could be worse," and the conversation naturally digressed onto other topics from there. We didn't talk any more about my symptoms, they didn't deserve the attention (especially not in this context).

I try to be very disiplined in regards to what I allow into my conciousness these days because I'm a very sensitive person and I know it affects my headspace- especially when it comes to music, movies and social media. Listening to upbeat music and engaging in uplifing positive stories and surrounding yourself with supportive people helps to give you the strength that you need to get through your day- especially when your day is not an easy one and you need all the help you can get. Conversely, I've found that listening to too much sad music, watching lots of dramas and depressing movies and complaining constantly will suck the strength to fight from you, and it's something I work on constantly and make pains to be aware of.

As the day went on the pain got worse, and as usual, so did the nausea. I took a Tramadol, the only pain medication they'll give me since perscription medications were reclassified last year, and as usual, it didn't work. As time went on my back muscles started to spasm. The nausea increased accordingly. At around 4:30pm, while I was sitting at my desk going through the mail, I got up to go to the bathroom because I knew I was going to throw-up again. This also, is normal. To keep things light when I talk about it I usually say I puke like a cocker spaniel, and to be honest, after all these years it doesn't even really bother me any more. I mean, I'd rather not- it sucks and it's gross, but it's the status quo: I'm usually nauseas, and sometimes I puke. That's just the way it is.

I didn't make it to the bathroom. I threw-up in my mouth in the hallway, but managed to keep it all in my mouth and not let too much of a reaction show on my face or in my body language. When I got to the bathroom I puked about 4-5 times, took a deep breath, washed out my mouth with some water, and went back to my desk with a smile on my face and carried out the rest of my shift as if nothing was wrong- just like I had all day. At 5:30pm I wished everyone a, "good night," and walked out the door to my car despite the fact that I had been a little late this morning and really should have stayed a bit longer to make up for it- but I also needed to take care of myself.

I like to think of myself as being mentally strong, and though I do have my moments, for the most part I am stronger than my pain, I am stronger than my nausea, I am stronger than Fibromialgia. I fight for myself every day, and I have learned more and more that strength needs to be refueled, that rest is necessary, and that knowing your limits is vital to survival. Focusing on positivity lately has also added to that strength. Not too long ago I would have felt a lot differently about today. Today wasn't a good day, but I got through it the best I could- frankly I think I did pretty well given how I was feeling physically. I'm not depressed or upset with my body, I'm focusing on healing it and trying to be positive about tomorrow while doing so.

Physical strength now... that's a completely different matter. For years now I've made it my practice to avoid too much physical activity despite the fact that I like to hike, dance and play sports etc., because if I over exert myself I'll most likely cause a Fibro Flare (an increase in my Fibromialgia symptoms) and I already have enough to deal with in that department thankyouverymuch. Because of this I don't have much muscle left on my already short and petite body, and often joke about my frailty and describe myself as a weakling. This is both unkind and untrue and fights against the positivity I've been focusing on by feeding the idea that I am weak- therefore I don't do physical things, and the cycle continues. It is time I recognize that cycle and use the same vigilence against the words I use to describe myself and the energy I create around myself that I use against the external stimuli and energy I surround myself with. To be fair, I've had this realization before, but I fall back into old habits time and time again.

This is somethig I have been thinking about a lot lately, something I have really been working on in the last few months. I've been telling myself my mental strength and my physical strength are the same. That I am capable of anything. That with the right shift in my attitude I can do anything. I can change my aversion to physical activities by being positive and focusing on happiness rather than worrying about causing a flare. I can acknowledge my physical limitations, be mindful and rest often, and focus on what I'm doing and that I like doing it.  I can do more than what I'm currently doing, I don't have to be scared. I can be healthier, which will make me stronger both mentally and physically, which will (hopefully) ignite a perpertual cycle of positivity, health, and happiness.

I need to focus on redefining my strength. My strength is my mind, my ability to fight for myself every day and to get up and do it again even if I don't win. I am strong. I am powerful. And it's time I recognized that.

We clearly have a differnt opionion regarding the definition of "immoral"

I read an article today about how religious non-profits don't want to comply with the new ObamaCare law that would require them to give free contraception to their employees because they find contraception "immoral."

To me, asking someone to be a parent when they don't want to be, or can't be (whether due to an illness- mental or physical, or due to financial circumstances) is immoral. The child raised in that environment isn't being given their best chance and are probably going to suffer for it.

God said populate the earth, and guess what, we did! We did such a good job that we can't feed all the people on this planet, yet we insist on creating life after life- is it any wonder we've turned to science to help fill the void on our tables? Having "fake" food is better than no food at all, but what health consequences will come along from having a diet of "fake" food? And is sentencing someone to a lifetime of not having enough to eat or not having access to "real" food 'moral?'

Population control is not "immoral," planned parenthood is not "immoral," but imposing your beliefs on someone else and making them suffer for it IS.

Being a Woman in America

Confession: I love feeling beautiful, I love feeling glamorous, I love to Model; but I love the look on people's faces/reactions when people find out I'm smart and accomplished even more (even if it makes me mad sometimes... like right now.)

Rant: But isn't it sad that it's always a shock to people that you as a woman can be both pretty AND smart, or pretty AND successful... and you can read their expressions when they figure it out, and it always looks like they're trying to comprehend advanced Physics or Math Theory: "Oh, so... you're young AND pretty AND smart AND educated AND have a good Job? Wait... aren't you supposed to be gold digging or something??"

Ugh! We have a long way to go. The Media insists on only focusing on the feminine aesthetic, our worth only comes from our looks; but Women are NOT one dimensional, people! I can be a good model who enjoys feeling pretty and pampered AND work hard and not only hold down a 'professional' job but excel at it (thankyouverymuch).

Being a women in America means that you are told that you have to look a certain way, dress a certain way, be perfect looking all the time. It means that your other attributes don't matter. So you're smart? Hide it. Men are intimidated by smart Women so dumb yourself down, and don't take 'Honors' classes in school, because then you'll not only be intimidating but nerdy as well- and being a nerd is almost as bad as being ugly- avoid it!

BE YOU. BREAK STEREOTYPES. LIVE YOUR LIFE YOUR WAY. DON'T LET THEM TELL YOU WHO OR WHAT TO BE. FREE YOUR MIND. THINK FOR YOURSELF.

I've always been proud of the fact that I'm multi-dimensional. Always. I've always had several plates spinning and lots of projects going on because I am many things, and I am good at many things. I'm a woman, and this encompasses many things, not just one. As the song says, "I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother, I'm a sinner, I'm a saint" I'm all of these things and more, and I need to be able to express myself as ALL of these things and have them be accepted as 'normal,' not just one or two. Jumping from 'vamp' or 'model' into 'working professional' and 'committed partner' shouldn't come as a surprising feat to everyone around me.

I have more to offer than just my looks, and I fight everyday to make sure that I am improving all aspects of myself: not only my health and looks but also my intellect, my professionalism, my spiritualism- growth is my main goal in life. Who I am as a person is more important than what I look like. It's time the world started to understand that, and the Media starts perpetuating the idea that we are people, just like men, and our whole self is important, not just our bodies. Idolize who someone is, not what they look like. We're worth more than that.

Freshen up- a tip to get fresh in the bathroom

Did you know that toilet seat covers are equatable to face oil blotting papers?

No really, they absorb the oil and leave the makeup just like those fancy papers you can buy at bath and body works and every major make up supply store.

Next time you need to pop-a-squat, do your face a favor and completely remove the center of your seat cover and use it to blot your t-zone as you... wait. 

You'll not only feel refreshed, but you'll look refreshed too.

Ya dig?

Limit the Government- not the People

We need to start changing the focus of our government- they make laws for everything except what matters. Focus on what isn't allowed than how to live in peace with those around you, we shouldn't need laws for every little thing, we need a SOCIAL REVOLUTION up in here!!

If we all knew our RIGHTS would we allow so many LAWS that limit them?? Hhmmm...

What Rights is the Government infringing on? Pretty much ALL OF THEM, take a moment to read your Rights and educate yourself: http://www.senate.gov/civics/constitution_item/constitution.htm

A Healthy Democracy Respects Dissent: Thoughts on Independence Day

July 4, 1776.

The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America,

"When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.--That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, --That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.--Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States."

http://www.archives.gov/exhibits/charters/declaration_transcript.html

July 5, 2012

The Ramblings of a Heifer Walrus

So begins the Declaration of Independence. After that most powerful disertation a list of objections are listed, and finally, the point: you won't treat us right and we're not putting up with it any more. I read The Declaration of Independence every year, and every year it speaks to me like a living breathing thing. It amazes me. The power, self-assurance, and INTELLIGENCE of the men who started this crazy thing called the United States of America. They amaze me. The power and Truth of what they've left behind for us make my head swirl.

Of course when my head swirls trouble tends to happen.

All I could think of when I was reading our Declaration of Independence is the same thing that I thought of on MLK Day:

The very thing we rallied against so strongly we continue to put onto others who we deem "unworthy" of those same things that we fought, died, and rebelled for. The things we DEMANDED for ourselves we are CONTINUALLY keeping from others.

Life, Liberty, the Pursuit of Happiness- it's something we all want. It's something we've quite clearly stated as something that is given to us by our Creator, not our Government, and yet we are still allowing our Government to keep these unalienable Rights from our Brothers and Sisters. But of course, we've had to recalibrate our closed-minds to include people of "color" as actual "people." We had to do a similar recalibration after 9-11 to remind ourselves that not all Muslims are terrorists. We've realized several times over that we exclude our fellow Humans from The Human Condition- and yet we continue to do it.

Gay people are people too. They deserve the same Civil Rights, Respect, and Liberties that we've demanded for ourselves.

It's time that we realize that THERE IS A SEPERATION OF CHURCH AND STATE, and that it was made to keep our closed-mindedness from impededing on the unalienable Rights of our fellow Humans. That more evil has been carried out in the name of Religion than anything else, and that it is time to STOP EXCLUDING and START INCLUDING. STOP JUDGING others for something you don't believe in or understand and START ACCEPTING them for who they are and what they have to offer this world.

IT'S 2012 - 236 YEARS LATER- CAN WE GET IT TOGETHER HERE PEOPLE??

LIFE, LIBERTY, AND THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS FOR ALL- EQUALITY!!

Lately

I've been really down lately. I would go so far as to say that my depression meds don't feel like they're working at all (despite the recently upped dosage) and I just feel depressed. I am overwhelmed and have so many things going on and the last few years have been the worst of my life (and that is saying something!) and I feel like I've gone through everything alone.

The alone thing is partially my fault, I know that. I'm a very private person, I don't like to talk about a lot of things because I don't want to dwell on them more than I already do, and I don't like to complain about the same thing to the same people because I know it gets old and sympathy, empathy, and shoulders to cry on should be saved for when they are needed... but I feel like the people in my life who should care the most are being the most blase about it all. My family has shrunk in my estimation because of it. I hate to say it, but it's true. I don't understand how they aren't worried (or at least being more proactive or inquisitive or ANYTHING), because I'm worried. Honestly, I'm really worried. My health is getting worse and worse, horrible things keep happening to me and I'm hanging on by a thread. Again. My emotional health is probably at a 2 and I need a change SO BADLY! I'm applying for jobs with no location filter, I'm going out and trying to be friendly and meet people (well, haven't met anyone yet, but I hate strangers!!! I also have some social anxiety, so this is a baby step program I'm on here.), and the fact that I'm doing this because I feel like I'm not getting what I need out of the people in my life is hard to swallow.

I don't want to sit and wallow, I want to be proactive, but I'm poor as hell, feel like shit (thank you Fibromyalgia, thank you very much for the chronic pain and nausea, it makes living life really easy), and don't really have anyone I'm comfortable to talk with about everything that hasn't already heard it twelve times. I'm even thinking about a Shirnk- except I've gone to a few before and I fucking hated it. I don't want someone to listen, I need a bouncing board. Someone who gets it and actually gives a fuck about me and not my money- which brings me to the next issue- no money to pay for this possible idea.

In an effort to make more funds, or at least to get by (random modeling and promo gigs are great but I need more money to fight Fibromyalgia and this god-damned funk!), I've started the J'Adore Store (http://jadorestore.weebly.com/). In it you can find all of the stuff my creative brain makes: canvases, paintings, crafts, my photography is for sale and I've even started making clothes. I'm also thinking about getting back into writting. I started a novel and had a children's book swimming inside my head, "finished" a novella and sent it to a publishing house, but it was one of those 'you pay we'll publish' deals and I took the money and went to Europe instead. While I was in Europe I made the happy realization that my novella needed a third and final section in my novella, which undoubtedly will take it from a 'novella' to a full on, all grown up 'novel.' So as more comes to pass about my musings and writings I'll throw them out into the universe.

I'm also thinking about selling the last remnants of the ex that I have lying around; although this is more of a 'I want everything that he ever touched out of my life' kind of way rather than I 'dammit my poor ass wants to start doing some new things to help my health and I need money to do it' kind of way. I kept the necklace he gave me because it is so beautiful but I never wear because it's from HIM. I kept our furniture because there was NO WAY IN HELL he was keeping it after he had another woman over, not to mention I took much better care of it than he would have, and I gave away my old bedroom set to move in with him. Well, after two and a half years of sleeping alone in the furniture we bought together I'm thinking I may have to sell it, which is kind of awful because I am in love with this furniture. But it's big, it's heavy, I'd have to hire movers to move it when/if I get a new place, and when we bought it that lying sack of shit told me this would last us for the next thirty five years and on our anniversary he'd buy me new furniture. I'm pretty sure it has bad juju in it somewhere because of it's unfortunate association with my past life, but I haven't been able to exercise it out so up on a site for sale it will go.

I've been feeling this overwhelming sesation for a few months now. I tried to combat it by making POSITIVITY a part of my life. Spinning situations to see the positive, talking about positive things, putting positive thoughts into the universe- but it's not enough anymore and it's getting pretty damn difficult to overcome my forboding nature of late. ARG! I want to kick myself in the ass because I know the only person who can help me is me, but I also know that a good support system in critical of healthy souls and I'm floundering.

I always think (and almost never say, because the worst battles with the devil are private and don't need to be repeated) that you can't go through hell and back without the devil sizzling off a piece of your soul. And you can't go through hell and expect to come out at all, and if you do, you aren't the same person.

I'm young, but I've been through a hell of a lot. I can honestly say that most of the time I'm the strongest person I know, but I always feel like a mightly oak that's cracking in the storm. I need to channel palm trees instead.

Wish me luck on my never ending search for peace and serenity!

If you say it Often Enough, it Becomes True, Right?

When you have a chronic illness, it's not always easy to stay positive. Put up all the 'positive reinforcement' notes you want, sometimes it just hits you. BAM! Negative Nelly puts up shop in your brain and there you are, feeling down. Again.

It's especially not easy when you don't receive the positivity and understanding you need. It's hard for people to understand an "invisible" chronic disease. Or any "invisible" disease really- let's be real. But hearing, "you look fine." "you never hang out." "get over it." after a while, it all adds up, and then you have a bad day, and that bitch Negative Nelly is back and worse than ever.

It's hard not to wonder "what did I do to deserve this?" Or to think, "this isn't fair" or to wonder when you're going to get a break.

I'm trying really hard to be positive, to surround myself with positive people who will support me and most importantly understand my limitations, and yet every once in a while I loose it and I'm down in the dumps again and it feels like I have to start all over again (on the 'focus on the positive' front).

It's going to get better. It's going to get better. The longer I work at being positive and stay with my health plan it will get better.

If you say it often enough it becomes true, right....?

Queen of Beating the Dead Horse

I am the Queen when it comes to beating a dead horse- especially when it comes to relationships. You can ignore me, my wishes, my wants and needs- doesn't matter- I'll still look at the decaying carcass that was once our relationship and think, 'we can bring it back, it's not that bad. It ain't dead yet' even when that mother fucker is waving back at you from the after-life.

I do this with my girl-friends and my boyfriends- what the fuck is the matter with me?

I am, by definition, energy deficient, and I just keep putting my energy into people who don't recepricate. Every time I make a stand for myself I can think of ten reasons to give another chance. Then another. And finally another, until my plan works or I'm so emotionally drained I become apathetic. Of course the apathy usually only comes after about five years of trying to make it work and failing. In some cases closer to eight years and longer.

I know I deserve to have people in my life who appreciate and support me, but only a small small fraction of the people in my life actually do. I've been actively working on this since my ex, and right now it is really being put to the test.

I can't get that SNL skit out of my head now:




Dammit.

Fibro Journal

Since being diagnosed with Fibromialgia I've done a lot of reading, research, and talking with my Dr.. Now, I am not the kind of girl who is good at taking pills every day let alone the kind of girl who has it in her to keep a medical journal, but with my symptoms persisting, more frequent flare-ups, and after 10 years of chronic pain and nausea- I've started a Fibro-Journal. Well, I've started taking better notes about what symptoms I feel and when in the day I feel them, and I have a few other cut outs and notes I want to consolodate in there as well. Different meds I've heard of, notes on research I find interesting- things like that.

I want to try and be more proactive about my health- expecially as it seems to be getting worse.

Has anyone out there ever kept a medical diary of any kind? Any pointers?

throwing up

how many times do you think someone vomits in their lifetime? hundreds? thousands? babies puke more than cokerspaniels and some of us continue to do so for the rest of our lives while others develop "steel stomachs." me personally, my body even smells something it doesn't want anything to do with and it's puke-a-palooza, but despite the repetitive nature of this act we never get used to it do we? we never think, "just a few more times and this will be a breeze." unlike learning to drive or ride a bike vomiting doesn't require lessons or concentration. it's a natural reflect much like blinkingx involuntary and even necessary for the body's protection, but it's always, ALWAYS horrible. it doesn't feel like your expunging partially digested food and stomach acid, but your will to live as well.

human beings are such adaptive creatures. within a small amount of time we can get used to just about anything except for something as natural as puking. I call bullshit.